Lost for sound bites as India faces a half-dead West Indies line-up, India's sports reporters have restarted their favorite pastime – thrusting the mike in front of anyone who has ever held a bat and asking “Tell us. Isn't Virat Kohli the greatest batsman in the world since 2000 BC, or MC?”.
Reports have emerged that gangs of under-paid interns are haunting the exit gates of airports across India looking for any familiar faces. The latest to fall to one such horde of ruthless teenage ninjas was Brett Lee.
After 41 former Indian cricketers and 47 int'l cricketers, including some suspiciously long-dead ones, wrote specially to various Indian news agencies calling Kohli “the greatest”, Brett Lee was beaten to the post by three half-cricketers as well. First, India's foremost writer and eminent authority on every damn thing, from Kashmir to why Kitkat has lost its allure to Indian youth, Chetan Bhagat, who is now penning the last (thankfully) book in his series of half-baked works called “half-cricketer”. Then, Santhakumaran Sreesanth, who lived an undercover half-cricketer, half-bookie life for the sole ideal of uncovering the dark underbelly of Indian cricket. And finally, BCCI President and MP Anurag Thakur (who selflessly appointed himself as captain of the Himachal Ranji team for just one match so that he could become eligible for the Cricket Assc President post), who is juggling his cricket career while also leading Indian cricket to great heights.
Brett Lee, only the second famous Lee in India after Bruce Lee, looked at first taken aback when thronged by the reporters and asked about Kohli, but quickly responded saying, “Of course, of course. Virat Kohli is the greatest batsman, and I love India, its culture and its people. And that is why my movie UNIndian is based on a romantic tale of me falling in love with a beautiful Indian lady, and yes, Virat Kohli is the greatest Indian batsman since Sachin Tendulkar. And did you know that I am on the next season of Big Boss?” and trailed off.
Brett Lee, with his blatant acknowledgment of Virat's supremacy over compatriot Steven Smith, now is reported to have sought asylum in India after it is learnt the Aussie team is waiting back home to visit punishment for his anti-national remarks. However, he was more saddened about missing the 100-mark after it was revealed that he is only the 99.5th cricketer to call Kohli “the greatest”.
Meanwhile, it is learnt the colonial overlords of India, who still secretly grudge the domination of the gentleman's game by this brown man from Delhi, have decided to prop up an Englishman or two in the race for “the Greatest” – even if he were an average Joe or a lowly Cook. No points for guessing the pliable accomplices they have invited over for a few friendlies this summer.
Undeterred by all these Western conspiracies against our Virat Hindu, err, Kohli, our tireless reporters are now said to be seeking the ultimate endorsements to put the issue to bed – prowling about the houses of Don Bradman and W G Grace not knowing they are long gone. In parallel, after having realized that they have interviewed every current, and retired, alive and long-deceased cricketer, the poor budget-strapped interns were last heard preparing for a dangerous trek to the closest associate nation–Afghanistan.
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