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Satire Saturday | Why settle for a dynasty when you can get yourself something much smaller?

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Satire Saturday | Why settle for a dynasty when you can get yourself something much smaller?

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Siddhant Lazar


‘Football fans are complete and utter idiots. Well, to be pedantic about it all, football fans are intelligent people born with common sense, which is something they’ve used for large parts of their life, but when it comes to football, they’re short-sighted idiots,’

Reads yet another post on Twitter although unlike the other gazillion posts created during a third round Carabao Cup tie between two inconsequential teams, this one seems to have gotten the unwanted attention that it needed. For this is the way the modern human being expresses themselves, not in the written word or using performance art to light the world on fire but by spouting every thought, idea and opinion to the world via social media.

Whether that’s a curse or a blessing, we’ll let Donald Trump’s Twitter feed be the judge of that but when it comes to any sporting event, worth a damn, then Twitter is the place to go. Not before or after the game but during, otherwise how on earth is the world supposed to know that Daniel James is the next Ryan Giggs? Or that Lionel Messi is nothing more than Jesse Lingard on a smaller paycheck?

It’s what the man seems to like reading, especially during a third round Carabao Cup game between two inconsequential teams, even if one of those is the team he supports. His scrolling speed is like no other, the awards and trophies that line his cabinets lets us know, but for some reason this tweet catches his eye. He stops, after a cursory glance at the Tv to check the score, and then types a well-worded reply. For some reason, sending this seems to please him so he chucks the phone and goes to make another cup of coffee.

This is, after all, modern-day India where football isn’t shown at an unreasonable time, even a third round Carabao Cup between two inconsequential teams, but at 2 am. When the entire world is awake, running about and doing what the world does when no one is watching. The silence is broken by a scream, “Where do you get off calling me this? I mean woah, wash your mouth and hands. you dirty, dirty boy, cause this is nasty!!”

The man walks away, stares at his phone and then says, “So you’re The Voice of Reason on Twitter? Well, I take it you’re here to scream, murder or even worse educate me on the wonders of what is right and what you believe in, so go right ahead. Step right ahead, and sprout the nonsense propaganda that you believe in sire.”

And off goes The Voice. Somehow, in under five minutes the entity manages to talk about everything football, world history and how the two are intertwined. Impressed, the man encourages it to keep going and The Voice needed no encouragement. He moves into modern football and claims “this is where it gets very interesting” and explains last two decades football has severely deteriorated in quality.

Yet, it goes on, things have really only changed in the 2010s with the last decade witnessing the death of football teams as we know it. It started with the invention of money being pumped into football clubs, so much so that Abu Dhabi now has four Premier League titles. Qatar has seven French league titles and the list goes on, and on. Hell, if Newcastle’s takeover deal wasn’t stopped, on the basis that slow bureaucracy beat out human rights violators when all else failed, then Saudi Arabia would have had more Premier League titles that Santiago Munez.

But what’s even more startling is that thanks to the money the art of building a team has gone down the drain and flushed out with the has-beens. What is left behind is a wide catalogue of Tim Sherwood’s opinions, Twitter feeds and the modern world’s insistence for instant gratification which has seeped into football as well. Chelsea, explains The Voice, are the perfect example for this as they’ve won titles (five in fifteen years), European trophies and yet the search goes on.

They’ve sacked half the managerial force available in the world and have since created new ones to try and help out. But yet, they’re still searching and the problem is that they are the norm. Real Madrid, Barcelona, Manchester United ASFA (after Sir Alex Ferguson) and countless others have all gone the Chelsea path. Look at Manchester City, and PSG for that matter, two other clubs down the Chelsea path although their dominance has sustained the spending.

“Water?” croaks the Voice, and the man points somewhere in the distance. The game continues to drone on in the background and just as the Voice is about to restart, the half-time whistle blows. Somehow neither side are losing but the game has been nothing short of drama; ranging from VAR trouble to birds landing on a player’s head. The man stares at his phone, types something or another before the Voice says, “Boring, really? And what’s with the hashtag, second half save our lives?”

The man simply looks on, and the Voice starts again. “I mean this is what’s wrong with the footballing world, the itch for more and more and when that’s not enough, some more. We’ve been dominated by the footballing world for so many years that fans forget that they seem to have a voice. You know a voice to use especially in the social media age and more importantly a voice for change. It’s why, my post said “Football fans are idiots” because you’ve got the chance to use that power to help change your team and make them better.

“But what is it used for? Sending out random gifs of weird shit as reactions, posting the most insane opinions and views for followers and hating on clubs. Like take a look at this post, ‘2016-2020 is the darkest Period in Barca History.’ That is despite the fact that they won 3 league titles, eight trophies and got to watch Leo Messi do things. When in reality, one of Barcelona’s worst periods were in the 1960s-80s where they won 1 league title, people died and offices were bombed.

“This is what fans use their power for and to what extent? By tomorrow there’ll be a new bandwagon to jump, more teams to chastise and some other nonsensical posts,” but before The Voice can go on, the man interrupts to chastise the entity with the claim that it hates fans and has no real point to the argument. “That’s my point, you’ve got power, you’ve got the means so use it to transform the way they do things! It’s the one thing, the Americans can actually agree on and I’m talking about everyoooone.

“Forget about actual social issues or the fact that we’re actually in a global pandemic. The one thing that a majority of Americans can agree on is the fact that their sports franchises have to build dynasties. Teams that can dominate for decades with it all very Chicago Bulls-esque or rather very All-Blacks-esque. Football has only one modern example and that’s Bayern Munich. Beyond that there’s nothing but a void of emptiness with few following the same path. Arsenal tried and failed, Manchester United gave up ASAF with the rest of the bigwigs opting to spend insane money.

“But then Liverpool. Of all the teams in all the realms, Liverpool changed the norm. What did you think? Jurgen Klopp walked in yesterday and was asked to win titles? He spent nearly five years slogging to create a team that has now ended a drought. AC Milan, after decades of incompetence, are following their same path while Bayern continues to do the same. That’s my point, winning one title is good but what if you could win seven titles in ten years? Isn’t that a lot better?

“Yeah, but how?” says the man starring into the abyss. “How? That’s a question for another day. For now we watch football.”

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