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Satire Saturday | Cricket Australia signs agreement with Channel 7 to make Test series 'Kohlified'

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The series that would be 'Kohlified' as historical


Satire Saturday | Cricket Australia signs agreement with Channel 7 to make Test series 'Kohlified'

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Bastab K Parida


‘Sir, I am clueless. We are putting on a brave face but can we really pull it off?’ asks a senior executive in Cricket Australia. ‘We have to try and do it. Or else we are all doomed. We have to make it by hook or crook, Boon. WE JUST HAVE TO!”

It was a really weird situation inside Cricket Australia’s Head office at the Jolimont Street in Melbourne. You could literally sense the tension in the air ever since the Indian selectors had announced that Kohli would not partake in the last three Tests of the summer for the birth of his first child. A huge broadcast rights deal’s future depends on solely one man and how many times the commentators can rave about “King Kohli” during their stint.

With the executives in the boardroom chalking out their strategies for the same, CA's CEO Nick Hockley enters the room and asks everyone for their immediate attention. He had a paper in his hand and a detailed plan which was made after him, Haddings and ex-officio member Langer sat down all night.

Hockley briefed everyone about the importance of having Channel 7 happy for the FTA channel provides them with the deal that their other partner Foxtel could never give. The AUD 450 million was at stake and a rebate would spell the death keel. CA were literally hinging on Kohli to keep the sanity of the summer alive but now something had to give in for CA finishing the summer on a high. Gone are those days when their own stars were capable of demolishing opponents on their own and demolishing the TV ratings in the same phrase as well. 

Everyone was extremely attentive in the meeting as Hockley revealed the future course of action. Cricket Australia will make the entire Test series Kohli-fied that the absence of the Indian skipper won’t be felt at all. The seven-way system was designed by all-around Kohli. Let’s dive into the plan.

#1: Virat Kohli’s photos will be put up everywhere - From the ground entrance to the boundary billboards, from the central TV screen to the stands, from Sydney Opera House to Adelaide Street, different images of Kohli will be put up so as to remind everyone about his glorious time against the Aussies in the 2014-15 tour. Once Kohli leaves the shore, more photos will be installed at different localities with a Channel 7 camera linking them to the master shot - flashing those images during the broadcasting. 

#2: A statute will be established outside the ground - Just like, Sachin Tendulkar was worshipped in India, a Virat Kohli statue will embellish the City Centre which was open for everyone. As the live match cuts to scorecard graphics, that statue will be the background for the same, reminding everyone that Kohli might not be there in Australia in blood and flesh but he was there in spirit.

#3: Every wicket will see Kohli shouting Ben Stokes - Every fall of wicket will see the fielder at deep mid-wicket, whose major responsibility will egg the crowd on, saying “Ben Stokes” out loud. Spectators, with no kids, will also have to say the same word time and again if they want admission to the ground.

#4: No commentator can utter only Kohli at any point: Kohli is the King and that’s it. If anyone dares otherwise or tries to call Kohli as only Kohli or Virat Kohli or just Virat, they will be booted out and that's the final call. There will be draconian administration when it comes to commentary and no leeway will be given.

#5- Ajinkya Rahane will have to call Kohli Live before making any changes - Not only for the Aussies or the commentators, the Indians will also have to cooperate. As per the CA-Channel 7 agreement, Rahane can’t make any major decision during the last three Tests with him having to call Kohli live on Television before making any changes. Those calls need to be long and detailed, giving a sneak-peek to Kohli’s thought process. The commentators will have to rave about Kohli’s tactical acumen and keep showing clips of how he captained the visitors to a win against Australia in 2018-19. 

#6- If any journalist wants to cover a game, they will have to write Kohli’s men instead of India - This will be mandatory. If you are minutely interested in getting a free pass, better follow CA protocols. Even after Kohli leaves Australia, no one can’t write Rahane’s men rather write skipper Ajinkya Rahane, who was standing in for King Kohli,... This will be incredible jazz!

#7 - As per the newly-devised compulsory bio-secure protocols, all spectators will have to wear face-masks with Kohli shouting an image printed on it. It will make sure Kohli is not lost in the process with everyone glueing to the Television to have a piece of the mighty Indian.

The plan has now been ratified by the Channel 7 boss James Warburton who a few weeks ago was calling the Australian summer a "train wreck" with a "stumbling, bumbling and incompetent" administration, is now going gaga over their creativity. Both are happy about the arrangements and we can now enjoy an entirely 'Kohlified' series at our disposal.

Disclaimer: This Spooky is a piece of satire news, parody, and humour for entertainment purposes only. The satire news is entirely fabricated. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to sports personalities and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction.

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