Satire Saturday | When we took a peek at BCCI’s 60,000 unread emails

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SportsCafe

Satire Saturday | When we took a peek at BCCI’s 60,000 unread emails

If you ever wondered what the inbox of one of the richest cricketing boards (read:BCCI) looked like, cheer up, your wait is over. We, here at SportsCafe, got the chance to take a peek over their emails where we discovered and unraveled some bizarre, crazy and shocking information.

When our sources close to the board reported that national selector-prospect Laxman Sivaramakrishnan’s email was deleted, we were eager to know what was happening in that bizarre and crazy inbox. We waited for days and days and finally got our chance to lay our hands on BCCI’s email account. So was his email deleted or was it in the spam? Well, there was more in the inbox than the leg-spinner’s ‘deleted’ email which has, since, astonished us.

To start off with, their theme was a light coloured one - contrary to their image in the cricketing fraternity. And the first email in the unread inbox was this email sent by Shivam Dube - a long apology one for his performances in New Zealand. It was on ‘unread emails’ and initially, we were genuinely scared to open the email, but we went through it anyway, ‘cause as the millennial saying goes, ‘YOLO’. 

The email started “Dear BCCI, I’m sorry for my recent performances, please do not consider this performance for the upcoming appraisal and bonus, I will work hard and perform in the Indian Premier League (IPL) to make a comeback, Regards - SD.” We were genuinely heartbroken for the all-rounder and wondered if he indeed read our columns on his performance

Nonetheless, we moved on to more important ones. BCCI’s last email received was from the in-form batsman KL Rahul. Immediately, we wondered if his language too was as masterful as his strokes on the field. And yes, of course. He is KL Rahul, the man can literally do anything and everything under the sun. The email, however, was shocking as he requested the BCCI to allow them to go attend an episode of ‘Weekend ka vaar with Salman Khan.’ And we were genuinely disappointed that the greatest cross-over never happened in the history -  BCCI and Big Boss. Wonder how costly and judicial the show would have been for - Salman and BCCI - the two notoriously famous entities. They shattered KL Rahul’s childhood dream to the bed; absolute shambles. 

We moved on to the earlier emails and it was the Sri Lankan Cricket Board (SLC) who replied to an email sent by the BCCI. It read, “Thank you BCCI for the new year party, boys enjoyed it. Especially Mali, who has a house in Mumbai, loved it. The food, the hospitality and the drinks, all of them were nicely served to us. We would have loved to have had a better result, but we never came for that…...”

Now we know why they were lacklustre and hung-over. But no problems SLC, we got you covered, homie. And then, multiple unread short emails from Rishabh Pant got us to the email BCCI had sent to KL Rahul. Pant was obviously fuming, attaching the screenshots of BCCI’s last email conversation with the keeper, where they presumably wrote ‘We trust you, Rishabh Pant.’ Five months later, where has the trust gone was Pant’s question. Oh, Rishabh, we pant for you too.

However, unfortunately, it was already too late, for Rahul had  taken over from Pant as a limited-overs wicketkeeper. Now at this moment, we were already shocked but the best was yet to come. MS DHONI, the email and the name that we had been waiting for, finally popped up. The only email we found in the inbox, though, that dated to October 17, 2019, was that Dhoni had to appear and fulfil the commitment. Five days later, Dhoni made his first appearance, so everything indeed happens for a reason. 

At the same time, there was another email in the inbox, where the subject read ‘CONFIDENTIAL: Communication regarding Bhuvaneshwar Kumar,’ and we were curious more than ever, more than we were to Dhoni’s email. It was the due medical expense that BCCI had to pay to the medical team. Basically, the funds they had to release for Bhuvaneshar Kumar.

It looks like they spent more money and time on Bhuvaneshwar than they have on all their domestic tournaments in the past three years. The expenses were in 10 figures and upwards, but we won’t reveal it, ‘cause, you know, it is highly confidential. But imagine, the richest cricketing board has not yet paid all their dues - guess they are humans working for the board after all. The high-pressure job sometimes gets the better of you. 

We dug deep and immediately were gifted with this email from the BCCI to Sourav ‘Dada’ Ganguly. It was BCCI’s email to Ganguly himself earlier for the post of ‘President,’ which was closely contested by two blocs - South India and East India. More specifically, it was a contest between N Srinivasan and Sourav Ganguly. Srinivasan put in the first step and immediately, the BCCI were unsure of whether they wanted to go back to him. Hence, they emailed Ganguly, asking the Indian legend to apply for the job. Before Ganguly, they also tried to contact Sachin Tendulkar, who was busy away with the lamp that the genie gave him. The biggest set of emails were yet to come.

There was also a hidden folder, the dreaded No.4 folder, that was tucked away in the least seen corner of the inbox. It had emails right from the start of 2018, with numerous applicants. Two players - Yuvraj Singh and Suresh Raina - were repeated applicants. After the 2018 IPL, Yuvraj sent an email with his CV that included ‘Two time World Cup winner’ on the top of it,  with pointers from the 2011 Cricket World Cup where he was named the Man of the tournament being the body.

Yuvraj in the email wrote, “Dear BCCI, It’s your boy, Yuvraj Singh, the winner of World Cups, mother of six sixes, man of past reputation writing to you for making that No.4 spot mine. I heard that you have had some issues regarding the No.4 position. Don’t worry, I got you covered, waiting for a callback.” And, the next few emails were just ‘hello, you there, get back soon,” from Yuvraj. 

On the other hand, Suresh Raina was more creative, he wrote “Dear BCCI, I will make that No.4 my own in the coming days for IPL is coming. And, if you think of going back to Yuvraj, I will ask you to wait till the IPL to see how the franchises have wasted money on the ‘fake’ all-rounder. He has gained more weight than me, he does not even score runs and more importantly, where has our ‘CSK’ quota gone? Regards, SR.” 

And, buried deep in the inbox,  dated Jan 2018 was an old email from shreyas41iyer@gmail.com, which was straight-forward. It read “Dear BCCI, Find my performances attached below. It shows what I have to offer. More importantly, I’m just 22, so you might want me to secure your future.” The audacity of the man stunned me but his performance never came as a surprise, as consistency was always his diet for Mumbai. Just when we were looking to pop ourselves out of the inbox, our eyes and attention caught the sent-box. It turned out to be a sin-box rather than a sent-box. 

The BCCI's management indeed knows how to send emails to their players and we found that out today. In the sent box lied emails that they had sent to Hardik Pandya, Jasprit Bumrah, Bhuvaneshwar, Shikhar Dhawan and Rohit Sharma. The email to Hardik read, “Sorry Hardik, unfortunate that you had to miss out on the home season due to a stress fracture. Hopefully we will see you soon in India and not London. Till then, take care, we have sent some blessings your way, check your Bank of Maharashtra account, BCCI.” They went on to forward the same email, just changing the name to Jasprit Bumrah and sent it to the pacer after his stress-fracture. 

On the other hand, they sent warning emails to Shikhar Dhawan after his injury ahead of the West Indies series. The email was straight-forward, ‘get fit or get dropped from the Indian team cause we got KL Rahul’. The follow-up read, ‘We’ve got Rahul. KL Rahul. I just don’t think you understand. He’s Virat Kohli’s man. He’s better than Dhawan.’ It was the first warning sign for what was Dhawan’s future in the Indian team. The list continues for we had only 30 minutes with the account. Murali Vijay, Vijay Shankar, Dinesh Karthik, Kedar Jadhav, Siddarth Kaul and Khaleel Ahmed were a few of them in the list. 

And then, suddenly, we were logged out of the account, cause someone in the BCCI headquarters blocked our access. An abrupt end to our treasure hunt, but we are more than happy to find out that BCCI are just like us, having around 6,000 emails from Swiggy and Zomato with their regular order from ‘India Kitchen’, and we were pleasantly surprised with the same. The BCCI had also ordered ‘Masala Dosa,’ more times than I have done in my 21-year long life on earth. 

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to real persons or other real-life entities is purely coincidental. All characters and other entities appearing in this work are fictitious.

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