In what has come as the second biggest Australian cricketing revelation of the week, after skipper Tim Paine admitted to have shat his pants during the final moments of the Old Trafford Test, Cricket Australia’s (CA) chief Kevin Roberts has confirmed that the board has decided to erase from record the hefty-bans handed out to Steve Smith, David Warner and Cameron Bancroft, after an ICC spokesperson, on Friday, unofficially confirmed that the council were planning to legalize ball tampering. 

“The ICC’s decision of legalizing ball-tampering just proves that Smith, Warner and Bancroft were indeed way ahead of their time and thus we would like to officially apologize to the trio for falsely accusing them of wrongdoing when they, in fact, were just experimenting with a ‘rule’ two years before it came into fruition. We would, from here on, address the Cape Town Test as ‘Newlands Heroics’. And, in addition to that, we have also begun an official investigation against former CA chief James Sutherland, who was responsible for defaming three of our sporting heroes,” Roberts further added.

“I would also like to inform that on behalf of CA, we have sent legal notices to at least 50 former cricketers and journalists, including Michael Vaughan and several other foul-mouthed Poms, who were found guilty of not only lambasting Smith, Warner and Bancroft for their actions, but also spreading hatred, falsely accusing the innocent trio of committing a heinous crime, through their tweets. We have filed a defamation lawsuit against all 50 members and failure to respond to the same before June 1, 2020, could see them being fined up to $150,000 and facing up-to six months in prison,” Roberts further stated.

Meanwhile, an ICC spokesperson confirmed that the move to legalize ball-tampering is in its final stages and the council is looking to implement the rule as early as the World T20 in October. 

“As things stand, we are looking at the usage of both sandpaper and mint, but at the same time, we have also created an anonymous Google Sheet where players can give their own inputs on how the ball can potentially be tampered. We are planning to implement the rule in the World T20, and so we have requested Cricket Australia to pick Cameron Bancroft in the World T20 squad, as we need our best men to test the rule out before we can make it permanent,” said an ICC spokesperson, under the condition of anonymity. 

However, that is not all. The reputation-reset of Smith, Warner and Bancroft also means bad news for incumbents Tim Paine and Justin Langer, both of who have been given a ‘resign or get fired’ ultimatum by Cricket Australia. Roberts confirmed that the leadership bans of both Smith and Warner have also been erased, and also added that the board has held talks with Darren Lehmann to once again take over as the head coach of the national side.

Furthermore, Roberts confirmed that he is in talks with Photoshop experts who are ready to morph both Paine and Langer out of every picture that was taken during the Ashes triumph last year.

“That is the aim. By July 1, we are planning to completely jettison Langer and Paine out of everything related to Australian cricket since the start of 2018. I personally have had talks with a photoshop expert who said he would remove their faces from the 2019 Ashes Triumph and moreon, I’ve already talked with both Amazon Prime and Sky Sports to edit out footage involving Paine and Langer from the tapes they have.”

“Now that Smith, Warner and Bancroft have been proven innocent, it’s with a heavy heart that I inform you all that the Border Gavaskar Trophy series in 2018/19 has been declared null and void. What this effectively means is that India still have not won a Test series in Australia and it is under my leadership that the team last managed to avoid defeat Down Under. After consulting with CA, the BCCI has come to the conclusion that it's only fair that the series was declared null and void, as Australia would definitely have won the series 4-0 had Warner and Smith been present,” Ganguly said on Friday. 

“I also have bad news for all you Chennai Super Kings (CSK) fans out there, as after consulting with all eight franchises, we have come to the unanimous decision of handing the IPL 2018 title over to Sunrisers Hyderabad. It goes unsaid that Warner, who won the orange cap in 2017, would have added at least 800 runs more to SRH’s tally, something that would have made a significant difference to the team. Hence we have decided to hand the title over to SRH,” the BCCI President added.

Disclaimer: Please note that everything mentioned in this article is fictionalized, nothing more than a satire, and in no way should it be interpreted as an actual record of events.