Satire Saturday | BCCI employ time traveling alien to unravel PSLās Covid mystery
The PSL Circus
|SportsCafe
ITāS VLOG TIME, FOLKS!
WHEEEE! Iām excited for this journey. Oh, hello there. Iām Cyberman and Iāve been hired by the BCCI to time-travel, live through the entire drama that unfolded between February 19 and March 4 in the PSL and provide a complete report of what exactly went wrong in Pakistan, so that they can ensure that no such goof-ups happen in the IPL.Ā
Oh shoot. I forgot to turn off the comments. Anyway, Iāve received two questions already, so let me answer them before shutting down this section once and for all.
How can you time travel?
Oh come on, youāve seen me in Doctor Who, havenāt you? Itās too complex. I suggest you ping the Doctor Who creators to get a detailed explanation.
But wait, youāre a fictional character. How did the BCCI manage to bring you to life?
Uhā¦.. Youād be scared to know what else the BCCI are capable of.Ā
Youāre a bad alien in the show. Why have the BCCI hired YOU?
Please do not indulge in external affairs
Alright alright alright. Thatās enough. Iām turning the comments off. Iāve got a big job at hand, folks.
So in precisely a minuteās time, Iāll be getting into this chamber to transport myself back to February 19, 2020. Iāll be going to Karachi, of course.Ā
Okay, this machine sucks. Iām claustrophobic as hell and this barely has any space (Trivia for all you Whovians: Cybermen are claustrophobic). Anyway, I canāt speak against the BCCI, can I? Okay, all set. Transporting myself to Karachi, Pakistan in 3...2ā¦.1ā¦
Date:Ā February 19, 2021
Time: 9:00 PM
Place: Karachi
Holy guacamole this place is BEAUTIFUL! So full of life; so cheerful. Why donāt India play matches in Pakistan again? Oh shoot shoot. Iām not supposed to speak politics here. My bad. My bad. Apologies. Apologies.Ā Ā
So you might be wondering how and why I, of all people, a goddamn alien, was tasked with this job. You might also be wondering how Iām supposed to know about Cricket and its intricacies. Simple: The entire CriViz and Getty database has been fit into my brain. I know Iāve turned off the comments now, but later you can ask me all your cricket-related queries. Iāll tell you what exactly the pitch-viz rating for the 3rd session of Day 2 of the first Test between Zimbabwe and Bangladesh in 2001 was. Weāll save that for later. Back to the job now.Ā
Itās 9:00 PM now and Iām just taking a stroll outside my hotel, which is next to the hotel all the PSL players are staying in. In case you didnāt know, Iām invisible, but Iāve taken a separate hotel anyway for privacy. And yes Iām immune to Covid, so donāt worry.Ā
Wait, that's Darren Sammy, isnāt it? And thatās Wahab Riaz next to him. What are they doing outside the bubble? And who on godās earth is the nerdy-looking dude next to them? Okay, this guy is not in my cricket database so Iāll have to use my google database to see who he is.Ā
*Visible confusion*
JAVED AFRIDI? The owner of Peshawar Zalmi? Last I checked the owners are NOT a part of the PSL bio-bubble, so why exactly are both Sammy and Riaz hanging out with this dude whilst the rest of their teammates are inside the hotel following bubble protocols? Oh no. This is going to spell bad news for both Riaz and Sammy, isnāt it? The tournament kicks off TOMORROW and theyāve abruptly violated protocol.Ā
Date:Ā February 20, 2021
Time: 10:00 AM
Place: Karachi
*Nervous sweating*
Okay, less than 12 hours to go for the season to kick-start and yet there has been no official statement yet from the PCB on Riaz and Sammy violating protocol. Are they going to let this pass?
*Phone buzzes*
Oh wait. Thereās the statement from the board. Theyāre sending both Riaz and Sammy into a three-day isolation. Phew. Good job, PCB. Thatās laudable.Ā
BUT WAIT. Theyāve also said that a Lahore Qalandars player has tested positive - with symptoms. But theyāve not mentioned how many people this person was in close contact with, and whether they will be isolating. And Lahore Qalandars play a match tomorrow. OH. NO. Is this enough policing?Ā
Anyway, Iām off to the hotel to take a nap, after which Iāll be going ot the stadium to watch the match.Ā
Date:Ā February 21, 2021
Time: 9:30 AM
Place: Karachi
Okay, that was a banger of a first match between Karachi and Quetta but Iām FUMING. I just read that the PCB have given both Riaz and Sammy exemptions to JOIN THE REST OF THE SQUAD. NO QUARANTINE. NO ISOLATION.Ā I mean, I know Iām out here observing what has already happened, and thereās no need to get emotional, but this is NOT how you enforce strict protocols. You have two guys break rules and you...umm..casually let them walk back in?Ā
*Cries in Jofra Archer*
Okay, itās 7:55 PM local time, but with 5 mins to go for the game, Iām EXTRA FUMING. I just spotted Javed Afridi - the owner of Zalmi who hung out with both Sammy and Riaz - in the dugout. With the players. Without a mask. He is interacting with the players. Freely. And there is both Riaz and Sammy too. Afridi is NOT a part of the bubble. What on sweet earth is going here? Ugh..Ā
Okay, Iām unable to concentrate on the game because there is too much stuff going on here, folks. There are brand ambassadors - including this girl who went viral on social media -Ā there are way too many sponsors and there are absolutely unnecessary, cringe-worthy promotions.Ā
Hold up. Now theyāre interviewing an (alleged) actor on the boundary line AND HE JUST ADMITTED LIVE ON AIR THAT HE HIGH-FIVED A PLAYER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I just saw a celebrity, not part of the bio-bubble, admit that he came in physical contact with a player who is supposed to be a part of a secure bio-bubble. Jesus Christ. Do the PCB even know whatās going on?Ā
Alright. Iāve had enough. My headās spinning. Iām heading back to my hotel room, folks.Ā
Date:Ā February 28, 2021
Time: 1:00 PM
Place: Karachi
Alright guys, Iāve had to wait a week but finally Iāve got some spicy content. Well, itās equally unfortunate, Iāve got to say that. Rumors are going around that a player who played in last nightās game between Islamabad United and Peshawar Zalmi tested positive for the virus. Okay, Iāll say who it is. It is Fawad Ahmed. Given that he partook in the match, I completely expect the board to suspend the competition temporarily until they get hold of the situation. I mean, it makes sense, right? You surely canāt be letting the tournament go on after an active player tested positive. Or at least youāve got to bar his team - which, here, is Islamabad United - from playing matches for a while.Ā
Date:Ā March 01, 2021
Time: 5:00 PM
Place: Karachi
Now Iām flabbergasted. Islamabad United, the team that had a player test positive two days ago, are scheduled to play a match in three hoursā time, and there is no word from the PCB about a potential suspension yet. Heck, they havenāt even publicly announced that a ISU player tested positive.Ā
Oh, nevermind. Here it is. Just as I speak, the board have announced that they are pushing the United vs Gladiators game by a day. I mean, it doesnāt make sense to push the game by a day, but at least the game is not going ahead immediately, eh? Given Fawad played two days ago, the chances of him having potentially passed on the virus to the other players are high. It wouldnāt make sense to let Islamabad United play a game anytime soon - well, at least his close contacts, even if they test negative, need to be put into isolation.
Date:Ā March 02, 2021
Time: 3:00 PM
Place: Karachi
Nope. The PCB and the franchises are not willing to listen. No one, except the Covid positive player, has been asked to isolate. Everyone returned negative results so the Islamabad United vs Quetta Gladiators match is going ahead, starting in five hoursā time. Seems like madness to me. But what do I know, eh?
The negligence is shocking, though. What Iāve witnessed over the course of the last few days has flabbergasted me. Iām not going to name individuals, but players were seen taking pictures with fans. Without masks. Such behaviour is usually slapped with a fine or a ban, but here? Nah. No one seems to care.
Funnily enough, I also noticed yesterday that the ābiosecureā hotel the players are staying in is, in fact, not fully secure. The PCB - wait for it - failed to book the hotel in its entirety, and, as a result, there were other members of the public staging weddings (I kid you not!) in the same hotel.Ā
I fear the worst now.
Date:Ā March 03, 2021
Time: 4:55 PM
Place: Karachi
Righto, one more positive test, then. Islamabad Unitedās Tom Banton just tweeted that heās tested positive. Two others - a player and one more support staff - have tested positive too. But guess what? The double header is ALREADY underway baby. Karachi are taking on Peshawar as I speak, and Quetta will take on Multan in precisely a couple of hoursā time. Yep, members are testing positive left, right and center, but T20 cricket go brrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Date:Ā March 04, 2021
Time: 12;00 PM
Place: Karachi
Okay, Iām currently a literal fly on the wall. Here I am, overhearing - or, should I say, overseeing - an emergency meet between the PCB, the franchise owners and all stakeholders of the PSL. This impromptu meet has been called as three more players have tested positive for the virus. But the PCB are STILL RELUCTANT to call the tournament off. So far, two ridiculous offers have been thrown already: one, to suspend the competition for just five days, and two, to finish PSL 2021 using only the local players. My ears are bleeding listening to this, I hope sanity prevails.
THANKFULLY, IT HAS. The PSL has officially been indefinitely suspended. I mean, they had no other choice. By now, the players are done. Done with the callousness, done with the negligence and done with this entire circus of a tournament. It has come to the point where I, myself, am absolutely regretting coming here; feeling like Iāve been stuck inside a hell-hole. But at least my efforts will be rewarded with a fat paycheck - unlike any of these players ahahahahahahahaha. Okay, that was a pretty heartless, condescending statement to make. My apologies.
This tells me I need to get out of here. ASAP.Ā My job is done.Ā
Right then, my Pakistan venture has officially come to an end. It was a roller-coaster fortnight and Iāve got to say, some of the stuff I witnessed over these past few weeks were so ludicrous that even Steven Moffat would have refused to include them in his script. It is time to head to the BCCI headquarters and hand over the in depth report which Iāll be compiling in a few minutesā time.
Oh, donāt worry. Iāve got a TL;DR prepared for you.
TL;DR: If youāre planning to host a tournament, then
1) Keep the bubble super tight
2) Enforce strict punishments for everyone who breaks protocols
3) Keep those not a part of the bubble far away from the playersĀ
4) And, for heavenās sake, prioritize the health of the players.Ā