Satire Saturday | England’s ‘sweet’ cricketing welcome

Satire Saturday | England’s ‘sweet’ cricketing welcome

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England's sweet cricketing welcome

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SportsCafe

In this edition of Satire Saturday, we cannot appreciate England and the English Cricket Board (ECB) enough for bringing back live cricket to the cricket fans once again. While it has not been just live cricket, it has been two months of an intense, thrilling and pulsating round of Test matches.

That is the brilliance of the country, ever-welcoming the people who land there after a long-flight from across the globe. Right from the moment you step out in the glorious country, all you can ever do is marvel at its brilliant infrastructure, look around its crazy buses and the remarkable roads it has to offer. If you are a foodie, what better than landing in the country, which has to offer you fish and chips. Well, if you aren’t a fan of the fish and chips, there is surely the ‘mayonnaise’ that you would not find anywhere else in the world. 

Oh, if you are from any other country, you are surely welcome to taste the bangers and mash and if you feel homesick, there is a variety of cuisines it has to offer. Well, at this time you might be pretty confused, as to why should all of this hold any sort of value. In cricketing terms too, England are more than welcoming, in terms of the facilities that they have on offer, the conditions for play and more importantly, the English pitches. 

When everyone clearly is chit-chatting and gossiping over the English weather, the pitches never get its true credit. Every time, there is a match that has stretched its way into the fifth day in the country, it automatically qualifies as being a ‘true ambassador’ for Test cricket. On the back of my mind, I can immediately think of two tests at Edgbaston which was better than several Tests in Australia, 2005 and 2019. That Ben Stokes kid was outstanding too, wasn’t he? 

You don’t even have to look too far, just a glance of the game last week would tell you more than a tale. This Pakistan team when last they were away on a tour was trashed (in light terms) against Australia Down Under. In that series, there was indeed the hype for the Pakistan pace attack, including the youngster Naseem Shah but never for their performance. A walking duck-like David Warner the previous series turned into a monster and what not. 

So what really happened this time around? How did that Pakistan side, or even for that fact, the West Indies side last won an away series in 2017, guess where? England! Their five-wicket victory against England in Headingley was the last time the side won in away conditions and before that, it was in 2016 against Pakistan. Look elsewhere, at some of the pitches that the other countries have to offer? The last time a side came out victorious in India was incidentally also England, so much for entertainment. Since then, the closest a side has come to winning in India against India was Australia. 

On top of that, even look at how cricket matches are considered in those countries, more of a festival than a sporting event, with them having a very laid-back approach. That has to point down to one factor, not cricket but rather the hope on their home team. An Indian fan could never fathom the fact that an away team can come to India and walk off with a victory. Imagine if you are watching a game in England, with a gentleman-like spirit and suited well, in burgundy and all the royal colours possible to witness the sheer nail-biters and whatnot! 

In terms of the pitch offering something, it has something or the other on offer for batsmen, pacers and even the spinners. Last year, in the Ashes, Jack Leach and Nathan Lyon put on a show in England where the conditions are always seamer-friendly. For the batsmen, look at how the pitches have revitalised Steve Smith’s Test comeback, Marnus Labuschagne’s marvellous re-start to his career and of-course, Ben Stokes who has always excelled in home conditions. All of that because of the pitch, as the first two days have often been terribly kind to the batsmen, so much so they all have a pretty impressive number in the country. 

The reasons for both of them winning and coming close are the same - they had a good side, which could challenge the best of teams around the world. However, looking at England, despite the cries of rain and whatnot, the matches turn out to be competitive every single time, every single opposition, so much so even Sri Lanka have a Test series win in England. They are really welcoming, so welcoming that they have decided to even lower the standards of their own team to have a fair fight. For the matches shouldn’t get over in two-three days right? If the matches do get over in such a short time, how can rain play its effect, how could the crowd get its money worth? How could people rave about ‘Test cricket is the best format’ on Twitter and so? 

But just imagine, it has all been possible not because just the pitch and the opponent but also because of the team - England. England, over the years, has regressed from Ashley Giles to Jack Leach, Andrew Flintoff to Chris Woakes and from a 20-year-old Anderson to a 36-year-old Anderson, who is on his last leg. In terms of batsmen, it is all clear in front of your eyes, from Andrew Strauss and Alastair Cook opening the batting, with over 20,000 runs between them in the longest format to Dominic Sibley and Rory Burns, who have under 10% of the runs that they scored. In terms of captaincy, they have fallen from a Michael Vaughan to a Joe Root, with Cook walking in between two eras. 

The entire team’s Test match experience is less than the two openers combined if you take Stuart Broad and James Anderson out of the equation. A mediocre team masqueraded as one of the world’s best sides, at home apparently, all because of their aged-pacers. Remove them out of the equation, you can see the results immediately - with West Indies winning at Rose Bowl with relative ease, they didn’t have to do as much as England. All that was needed from them was to press the self-destruct button and Jermaine Blackwood had to be himself to bail out Windies. 

But imagine this, the West Indies side did not even have two of their best batsmen yet they were bundled out by an Indian side. It is not their ever-so-welcoming attitude but rather their own team, which is nothing compared to the other world-class sides and even their own past. Remove their stars - Stuart Broad, James Anderson and Ben Stokes and the results would be in front of you, England would be bundled down in two days and Test cricket never will be as entertaining as ‘this ever’ in the country. 

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