Why Your Team Sucks: Bangladesh at the 2023 ICC World Cup
To make it to an elite tournament such as this with just 10 nations participating must mean your team is quite special, right? Newsflash: the ‘World’ Cup is a misnomer, ICC is cricket’s ruling body just for name’s sake, ODI cricket is on its deathbed, and your team Bangladesh sucks.
From ‘Bangladesh look pretty good this time around, don’t they?’ to ‘Where did it go wrong for Bangladesh this time?’ exists the mind-boggling brain fade, non-stop chaos, and utter ruckus that is The Tigers.
They are the answer to what if you could manifest Rahul Tewatia as an entire team – you’ll be left profoundly disappointed on nine occasions out of 10 followed by a performance for the cricketing folklore and history books, right before they disappear for good until the next event rolls around. Bangladesh are more inconsistent than England’s conscience on moral judgements in the sport, and equally despised in the cricketing fraternity as well.
Speaking of which, the Asian outfit recently tried to put the brakes on their villain arc by recalling Ish Sodhi to the crease after Mankading him in an ODI at home. The tailender was so elated by the let-off that he wrapped the bowler in a warm embrace and offered thanks for the favour with a game-changing knock of 35, before scalping six wickets in the second innings. That is Bangladesh cricket in a nutshell for you – unwavering determination to clinch defeat from the jaws of victory.
Their regular skipper Shakib Al Hasan of course criticized the show of compassion by his teammates in public, or as Bangladesh like to call it ‘teamspirit-building exercise’. I mean we all know what he would have done if he was playing – smashed the stumps with Sodhi’s bat and threatened to beat him a quick retreat back to the dugout. Honestly, it is deeply moving just how much the trailblazer has inspired people in his country, look no further than last week’s Bangladesh Celebrity Cricket League for Exhibit A.
Questions of on-field conduct aside though, Shakib is definitely the best all-rounder of this generation. A fair few may have matched his accolades with bat and ball but none of them come close to his political acumen. A proud Mashrafe Mortaza protege indeed. He holds more influence in the nation than even their Prime Minister – if you think that is an exaggeration, ask Tamim Iqbal. In other words, he is to the Bangladesh Cricket Board what the BCCI is to ICC, only with a longer list of controversies and that’s saying something.
The veteran’s return to the helm means the Tigers have now had 10 different skippers across formats over the past decade. At this stage, is it really too much to think Bangladesh would be better off participating in the Musical Chairs World Championship rather than the Cricket World Cup? That would also free up substantial time in their players’ calendars to undergo much-needed anger management therapy.
I’ll concede though, anger must be pretty natural for the Bangladeshi players given the huge pressure they are under to perform in a cricket-mad country. Seeing them go about their business makes me think of your typical uncles at a South Asian wedding – always grumpy, infatuated with politics, love to throw shade at their more successful relatives, and have cursing as their mother tongue. Behold the cherry on top – they never let go of a single opportunity to break out into Naagin dance.
It is only fitting then that they will play Sri Lanka in the Naagin Derby in Delhi – the mecca of uncles dancing incessantly. The new-age rivalry has quickly catapulted to unfathomable intensity in recent years, as have the closely fought contests between Bangladesh and Afghanistan. It signals a moving-on for The Tigers though from feuding with the continental giants India and Pakistan – at this rate, rivalries with Nepal and the UAE only seem inevitable in the future while the other teams focus on actually improving their cricket.
All said and done though, it would be a fool’s endeavour to predict how Bangladesh will fare in their latest challenge. They could beat the hosts in Pune. They might lose to the Dutch in Kolkata. Idk. As for the individual performers, I’ll go on a limb to say that Shakib Al Hasan would end up as their highest run-getter. Although, Hasan looks promising too – I mean Tanzid Hasan. As for the bowlers, I’d imagine Hasan has a fair chance of ruling the wicket charts if the pitches offer help to the quicks. Hasan Mahmud that is. But if spinners dominate the tournament, Mehidy Hasan seems to be the favourite Or was it Mahedi Hasan? Ugh, WHATEVER. I’ll just say that HASAN will end up as the star performer for The Tigers and leave it at that.