fter a uniformly disappointing performance by the RSS (Rohit Sharma, Shikhar Dhawan, Suresh Raina) this year, the BCCI finally decided enough is enough today and announced their decision to bring English superstar Kevin Pietersen into the Indian team. Faced with questions about how Pietersen can play for India, the BCCI showed absolute proof of his Indian roots – Kevin Pietersen was actually named K.V.N.
When he was hounded by the media, Puttar Sen acknowledged the news and said, “Only when my granddad revealed my Indian roots to me last month, did I realize why I have always had a liking for those Indian bowlers and their lovely bowling. But now with me joining India, we will win World Cups in all the three formats. To hell with these British. India got independence from them 60 years back, but cricket has not. Now is finally the time.”
When pointed out that there was no World Cup in the Test format, he retorted, “That is a British conspiracy. Because they can never win any Cups, they stopped a Test Cup from being introduced.”
Asked if he had any other proof for his Indian-ness, Puttar Sen looked the reporter in the eye and said, “I will give you four words. Bharat Mata Ki Jai”. As the crowd immediately accepted the irrefutable evidence, Pietersen also stated, “I like to take offense and argue with anyone about everything. If that does not prove I am Indian, then I don't know what will”.
Welcoming the news, the national secretary of an unnamed outfit, in his passionate speech said, “We have always said that cricket was invented by Indians in 5,432 BC and played as Gilli-Danda forever. It has been scientifically proven that the British just stole the sport when they came to India, the same way they stole aeroplanes and the zero we invented. So anyone who plays cricket is an Indian, and all of these players should be made to play only for the Indian team.”
Dazed at the prospect of having no opposing team if all cricketers are made to play for India, the BCCI today issued a strong statement saying, “Cricket is an international sport, and all the ten countries hand-picked by us will continue to play the game against each other. Cricket fans all over the world are delighted at how we have grown the sport tremendously from eight teams in the 1983 WC to ten teams today in a span of just 33 years”. Journalists, who raised queries how they arrived upon these ten countries, were banned from covering any major tournament for the next two years.
Meanwhile, Puttar Sen also answered queries about how he will manage to strike form after years on the sidelines. “I have not been wasting my time off the game. When I came to play IPL, I spent a month in this Himalayan ashram where I saw yogis playing cricket better than Virat Kohli. The Guru's coaching has improved me spiritually, emotionally, and technically,” the swashbuckling player said.
Asked to talk about any specific trick he picked up at the ashram, Pietersen said, “Watch me”. Then he lazily looked at the ceiling and recited a few secret hymns, and lo and behold, he was bringing a shining red Kookaburra out of his mouth. As the stunned audience slowly recollected their wits, the flashy cricketer was gone in a flash – That was cool, but Pietersen should know this vanishing trick won't seem so cool when he is soon around Dhawan, Rohit, and Raina.
* Have a happy April Fool's day
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