Virat Kohli and Anushka Sharma decide to tie the knot!
Belligerent buccaneer batsman Virat Kohli and breathtaking Bollywood beauty Anushka Sharma accidentally revealed their wedding plans in a charity event today at Mumbai. The couple were caught off-guard when for the 42nd time a reporter asked the oft-repeated question “So, when are you getting married?”, and Anushka surprised the crowd with an emphatic answer - “42 was the magic number we were waiting for. So I am finally going to tell you. It may be 2016, it may be 2017, it may be May of 2018. let's see what time has in store. It is always exciting when you don't know what is going to happen”, the damsel droned on.
The news created mayhem across media houses! All this happened when the Indian sports media were scrambling to beat the clock to put together a top 5 cricket events of 2015 with cool slide-shows of teammates Raina, Karthik, Harbhajan and Rohit's weddings as the No. 1,2,3 and 4 events and were desperately searching for a No. 5. In one swift stroke, Team India's Test captain had now gone and turned the order on its head- he always does this!
Everyone had wanted to look back at the year that was 2015 – except of course the South African contingent who burned down calendars of the year in English, Zulu and whatever else it is that they speak out there. But this was just too much to look back on, and look forward to, especially on the last day of the Year!
Media houses across the country called for emergency meetings today to strategize on how to milk this cover-story for all it is worth over the coming month. The ‘Advertisements of India’, who intricately covered Bhajji's wedding now have a dedicated floor of writers to bring out features everyday, giving ‘Sneak-Peeks’ to the readers till the wedding.
Their television channel, which runs a prime-time debate known for causing temporary auditory hallucinations, is already preparing for the 'Big Day'. Their famous news anchor in an exclusive telephonic interview screamed to us, “The nation WANTS to know what went behind this decision of Virat? Is it his good captaincy form or his future wife’s bad choice of films? India needs answers. You can share your views using our twitter handle #VKWedsAnushka!”.
A Hindi news channel (famously known for tracking the PM’s daily activities from 4 AM to 1 AM) will cover the wedding very closely, and in their own words, provide ‘exclusive pics of the PM's attendance’ in a dedicated series of ‘exclusive Sangeet’, ‘exclusive Reception’, 'exclusive Pre-nup' and ‘exclusive Wedding’ pictures presented in a state of the art slide-show.
Meanwhile, the self-appointed guardian of Indian journalism from Chennai suddenly woke up from a self-induced slumber that is reported to affect anyone who glances through any two given pages of their publication, on any given day. The paper was quoted as saying, “We are neither the bride's men nor the groom's men – because we never take sides,” and has decided to feature on its new online sports edition “detailed coverage of venues, a brief about their wedding planner, listicles about ‘Unknown facts on Virat’, same for Anushka.”
Our unnamed source, however, revealed all this was a big shock for Kohli, who was playing with his pet poodle ‘Browno’ (the canine was originally snow white but had this unsavory habit of rolling over pitches on Day 3 whenever Kohli plays Tests in India) when the news reached him. The much-shocked superstar soon started seeing pictures of him holidaying with Anushka in destinations he had planned to visit in coming years – although the photo-shopping left much to be desired. Kohli, who is famously known for ‘going one-up on you and your pet poodle’ apparently said “What the heck! Let me as well just get done with the thing” before announcing the decision.
Amid the frenzy, a lowly intern-reporter was assigned the task of coming up with the top 5 cricketing events for India. After a good two minutes (about the time which normally takes to Crtl C + Crtl V a Press Trust of India report), he came up with:
1. Is Anushka’s Kundali the reason for Virat’s poor form? – Our resident astrologer speaks
2. Surprised Yuvraj discovers he is about to get married!
3. Dipika Pallikal defends hubby Dinesh Karthik’s hotness
4. Azharuddin seen with a member of opposite sex – obviously he secretly got married
5. Want to know how Kohli and Bruno are related? Click here to find out
To one more year of Indian media coverage of cricket that is expected to range from only the titillating to the trivial and no more!
No wonder, Harsha Bhogle was depressed at the state of affairs.
I have just returned from a media event to promote India's tour to Australia on Star Sports and I am very disturbed....
Posted by Harsha Bhogle on Wednesday, 23 December 2015
It's hightime the newsmakers of the nation made a separate section for gossip instead of clumping these travesties alongside the sports section.
On a serious note, Kohli wins BCCI's 'Cricketer of the year' award.
This piece is a work of fiction and names, characters, businesses, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. It has been written as a genuine attempt at parodying genuine news reports. Readers are advised not to confuse this as being genuine and true.
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