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Satire Saturday | Sourav Ganguly inducted as new god of cricket; BCCI devises new rules for asking questions

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Sourav Ganguly has been the one-man army of BCCI

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Satire Saturday | Sourav Ganguly inducted as new god of cricket; BCCI devises new rules for asking questions

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Harshit Anand

11/21/2020

For all of you Sachin Tendulkar fans who think that he is the demi-god in the world of cricket, the world has moved forward from 2013 and we are in the age of Sourav 'DADA' Ganguly. Meanwhile, post the Rohit Sharma injury facade, BCCI has introduced some revolutionary rules for questioning them. 

Growing up, Sourav Ganguly was my favorite cricketer in the world, for as stupid a reason that I absolutely loved each and every cricketing gear of his like the helmet, the pads, the Hero Honda bat while his stance was also extraordinary for me. Mind you, I was eight in 2003/04, having hardly watched any cricket. That he was the captain and played some exhilarating strokes only increased the affinity as it was like the much needed validation. For me, Sachin Tendulkar was just a myth as I could never relate to why the world was crazy after him. They said Sachin was the god of cricket and Ganguly was god of off-side, but for me Sourav was the god of cricket. Period. 

However, as I started gaining sense, I could see a clearer picture about Sachin and some of my misunderstandings. But, now I have started feeling that the eight year old me was such a genius as my prophecy of Dada being a cricket god has come true albeit in 2020. Ain’t I a poor man's Jofra Archer sans social media during my heydays?

So BCCI is the most powerful board in the world. Sourav Ganguly is the President of the most powerful cricketing board in the world, right? So connect the dots. Sourav Chandidas Ganguly is the most POWERFUL MAN in the world of cricket. Our very own DADA. But, Dada being Dada, he has this habit of raising the bar to unimaginable heights, remember him disintegrating the man, who started Mental Disintegration itself? Steve Waugh, toss, you get it right? And now from the most powerful man, he has elevated himself into the god of cricket otherwise how else a mortal can don so many roles all at once?

Dada's god-esque elevation

Dada is the BCCI president, in IPL, Dada makes the existence of IPL chairman non-existing, Dada also speaks on selectors behalf, in fact, knows and tells the exact extent and percentage of injuries to players that even Sunil Joshi doesn't reveal, Dada also identifies the promising youngsters like a selector, in fact, he also assures Suryakumar Yadav (Apna time ayega) his time will come, Dada is also a cricket analyst, Dada also makes appearances in TV ads, Dada also hits out at people raising eyebrows on the whole Rohit Sharma injury facade, now my hands have started paining already as I ain't supposed to write thesis on the countless roles of our beloved Dada. 

Dada has donned so many hats that it really won't be startling if he starts picking up Indian teams, even announce it and do the presser himself, answer all questions and still manage to ask people to challenge him on My11 Circle app as what better place to advertise than a room full of media? Moreover, he can give his nemesis Ravi Shastri a run for money, and start coaching India on important tours. Not only that, he might even stroll out to address the media in a post-day/game presser in Kohli’s place, and at times, also do a few commentary roasters after all, he is the Rajinikanth of cricket. Perhaps, at this rate we might even see him opening the batting with his favorite SHEKHAR Dhawan as there's nothing that Dada can't do. 

News has it, once Dada was spotted bowling leg spin in the nets when he was part of the Delhi Capitals coaching staff, so he might even add to India’s wrist spin options with Kuldeep Yadav's form dipping, you really never know. 

The great BCCI transparency 

Meanwhile, moving ahead, as per our sources, BCCI are miffed with the way the media and fans at large have questioned their transparency on Rohit Sharma's injury. In fact, Sourav Ganguly had even lambasted everyone saying that, "people don't know how the BCCI works, people don't understand injuries, that is why they talk rubbish." 

Ganguly is spot on, people don't understand how BCCI works, after all, they are flag bearers of transparency. Case in point, lesser transparent boards like CA, ECB even PCB, disseminate press releases for team selections, injury updates, why someone is picked and someone isn't. For the BCCI, everything is as sacred and secretive as, let's say, a team's strategy to trap the opponent's best batsman in a World Cup final. 

Anyways, BCCI is so livid with the Rohit injury saga that they no longer want to give fodder to the public to talk about anything as they are done with this public bashing as the BCCI prez roared in the interview. They decide on a new way for squad announcement, and also some prerequisites for putting up questions to them as no 'rubbish' will be entertained from now onwards.

Taking inspiration from ECB, who keep their squad behind paywall, BCCI will now keep their squad obscure till the game begins, in this way they kill two birds with one stone - firstly, they go one up on ECB in keeping squad behind doors and secondly, no one would know the squad till late to ask any questions. BCCI masterstroke, indeed. Now, people will be playing the guessing game, spotting the players during practice sessions on TV or at the ground to know players in the squad. BCCI, you beauty.

Also these are the following prerequisites to ask a certain set of questions from BCCI and its people: 

(1) For asking technical questions on cricket, one must have played a minimum of 10 ODIs, 5 Tests and 3 T20Is for India.

(2) For asking injury related questions, one must have done MBBS or else a medicine diploma or some certificate.

(3) For asking about BCCI’s finance part, you need to have studied commerce in 10+2 or have to be a CA or likewise or else get it certified from such professionals before asking a question.

BCCI, chuffed with their new innovative ways, also decided to answer some Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) as some sort of consolation for the fans:

(Q) Why don't we get better ground facilities in India like there is in England and Australia?

Answer: Like the Indian skipper had once said, if you don’t like Indian batsmen go to other countries, those not liking our country's ground facilities better attend games in England and Australia. 

(Q) Why don't we get video content on Twitter or Youtube like ECB and CA does despite all the BCCI's riches?

Answer: BCCI has neither asked anyone to follow their social media handles for more than slow scoreboard updates or delayed pictures nor it would do anything as catering to fans is the last thing on BCCI's agenda right now.

(Q) Why isn't the BCCI transparent on most of the burning questions?

Answer: One needs to switch to another sport for transparency as that will not happen in the next 100 years at least.

Disclaimer: Please note that things mentioned in this article are fictionalized, exaggerated, nothing more than a satire, and in no way should it be interpreted as an actual record of events.

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