Satire Saturday | Sourav Ganguly inducted as new god of cricket; BCCI devises new rules for asking questions

Growing up, Sourav Ganguly was my favorite cricketer in the world, for as stupid a reason that I absolutely loved each and every cricketing gear of his like the helmet, the pads, the Hero Honda bat while his stance was also extraordinary for me. Mind you, I was eight in 2003/04, having hardly watched any cricket. That he was the captain and played some exhilarating strokes only increased the affinity as it was like the much needed validation. For me, Sachin Tendulkar was just a myth as I could never relate to why the world was crazy after him. They said Sachin was the god of cricket and Ganguly was god of off-side, but for me Sourav was the god of cricket. Period. 

Dada's god-esque elevation

Dada has donned so many hats that it really won't be startling if he starts picking up Indian teams, even announce it and do the presser himself, answer all questions and still manage to ask people to challenge him on My11 Circle app as what better place to advertise than a room full of media? Moreover, he can give his nemesis Ravi Shastri a run for money, and start coaching India on important tours. Not only that, he might even stroll out to address the media in a post-day/game presser in Kohli’s place, and at times, also do a few commentary roasters after all, he is the Rajinikanth of cricket. Perhaps, at this rate we might even see him opening the batting with his favorite SHEKHAR Dhawan as there's nothing that Dada can't do. 

News has it, once Dada was spotted bowling leg spin in the nets when he was part of the Delhi Capitals coaching staff, so he might even add to India’s wrist spin options with Kuldeep Yadav's form dipping, you really never know. 

Meanwhile, moving ahead, as per our sources, BCCI are miffed with the way the media and fans at large have questioned their transparency on Rohit Sharma's injury. In fact, Sourav Ganguly had even lambasted everyone saying that, "people don't know how the BCCI works, people don't understand injuries, that is why they talk rubbish." 

Ganguly is spot on, people don't understand how BCCI works, after all, they are flag bearers of transparency. Case in point, lesser transparent boards like CA, ECB even PCB, disseminate press releases for team selections, injury updates, why someone is picked and someone isn't. For the BCCI, everything is as sacred and secretive as, let's say, a team's strategy to trap the opponent's best batsman in a World Cup final. 

Taking inspiration from ECB, who keep their squad behind paywall, BCCI will now keep their squad obscure till the game begins, in this way they kill two birds with one stone - firstly, they go one up on ECB in keeping squad behind doors and secondly, no one would know the squad till late to ask any questions. BCCI masterstroke, indeed. Now, people will be playing the guessing game, spotting the players during practice sessions on TV or at the ground to know players in the squad. BCCI, you beauty.

Also these are the following prerequisites to ask a certain set of questions from BCCI and its people: 

(2) For asking injury related questions, one must have done MBBS or else a medicine diploma or some certificate.

(3) For asking about BCCI’s finance part, you need to have studied commerce in 10+2 or have to be a CA or likewise or else get it certified from such professionals before asking a question.

(Q) Why don't we get better ground facilities in India like there is in England and Australia?

Answer: Like the Indian skipper had once said, if you don’t like Indian batsmen go to other countries, those not liking our country's ground facilities better attend games in England and Australia. 

Answer: BCCI has neither asked anyone to follow their social media handles for more than slow scoreboard updates or delayed pictures nor it would do anything as catering to fans is the last thing on BCCI's agenda right now.

(Q) Why isn't the BCCI transparent on most of the burning questions?

Disclaimer: Please note that things mentioned in this article are fictionalized, exaggerated, nothing more than a satire, and in no way should it be interpreted as an actual record of events.