Why Your Team Sucks: Netherlands at the 2023 ICC World Cup
To make it to an elite tournament such as this with just 10 nations participating must mean your team is quite special, right? Newsflash: the ‘World’ Cup is a misnomer, ICC is cricket’s ruling body just for name’s sake, ODI cricket is on its deathbed, and your team the Netherlands sucks.
Honestly, I am totally psyched to see the power-packed Dutch team in action. I mean the sheer quality in such a young midfield of Frenkie de Jong and Xavi Simo- wait, they have qualified for the CRICKET World Cup? Weird. Uhm, sure, I am excitedinterested going to watch them play the gentleman’s sport too
Truth be told though, the ICC would actually be better off bringing in the football XI if they want to fill up the stadiums – YES, one would’ve never imagined that would be a problem in India but that’s just how irrelevant the Dutch are. Remember the news that pops up every once in a while about Jeff Bezos’ charity donations to remind us he is not just some crooked evil tycoon? I’m not going to explain this one further for my own safety.
I’m jumping the gun here, very rude of me not to start off with a hello to you gambling addicts. Tell me, how much money have you foolishly put on the Netherlands? Pfft, sure you’re here because you are a ‘genuine’ Dutch cricket fan – nothing of the kind exists, even the players are just waiting to catch the eye of a scout from Australia or New Zealand so they can scoot off at the first possible opportunity – I see you, Dirk Nannes and Michael Rippon.
It has been a while though since the Dutch cricketers have been visible in ODI cricket. The last time the Netherlands played the World Cup was incidentally in India itself, where they fell to a heartbreaking loss in the semi-final to Belgium via penal- oops, wrong sport again. Anyway, in 2011, they lost all their six games and by big margins, including a 215-run defeat at the hands of West Indies.
However, the ICC has been very vocal over the past decade about their mission to grow the game globally and make more nations competitive. Unlike the other sporting bodies though, they formulated an ingenious plan to succeed in their goal – instead of investing time and patience into growing cricket in countries like the Netherlands, why not just abandon all responsibility to properly regulate the sport? And voila, they’ve flawlessly let Caribbean cricket fall to the dogs while they suck on BCCI’s toes and hoard money, thus allowing the Dutch to scale new heights.
It was not all a fluke though, one is bound to give the Netherlands their flowers (which is absurd because that is what the Dutch are famous for). Apart from the two-time World Champions, the Europeans also toppled Ireland and Zimbabwe in the qualifiers or as everyone calls them, full-members-but-not-really. Apparently, the Dutch are good enough to compete for the biggest prize in cricket but not play a Test match – gotta love the elitism in cricket.
Anyway, the Netherlands are clearly a step or two away from seriously competing with the other nations at the marquee event. Luckily, no one in their homeland cares because they literally have less than 10,000 players in the nation – I have seen more in a single game of street cricket in Kolkata’s paras. Thank God for all the ‘coffee’ shops back home in Amsterdam because boy will they need some of that to get over the whooping that’s awaiting them on the field. At least they will be able to roam around freely in India without being hounded by crazy fans everywhere, unlike the other nine teams. It is bound to be a long two months in the subcontinent for the Dutch but at least all the rain would make them feel at home.