We know Joe Root can take a punch - yes, David Warner can confirm this - and we know Kane Williamson packs a punch, but who among these two will reign supreme if they are pit against each other in the ring with their own statistics being their only weapons? Not lying, I’m pretty restless to find out the answer to this question.

“I hooked another one to Rooty” joked David Warner in a press conference in the 2013 Ashes after hitting a delivery straight to his hands, days after punching him smack on the face, but unlike the southpaw, there is no joy for his Trans-Tasman mate Kane Williamson. Instead, it is Joe Root who, with a career batting average of 51.05, hooks one to Kane W, whose average of 47.48 hands him the L in the first round. 

ROUND 2 -> AVERAGE IN FOREIGN CONDITIONS: Root capitalizes on Williamson’s slow start

We all know that Kane Williamson is a slow starter with the bat, but by the looks of it, he is not a quick starter in the ring either. His away average of 44.41 is ‘okay’ - in fact, pretty good - but in front of Root’s 54.33, it is as big as the length of New Zealand’s ICC Trophies stacked up one over the other. 

ROUND 3 -> AVERAGE IN HOME CONDITIONS:  Hold up. Are we in for an early knockout?

Wait, what? This was supposed to be the most ‘even’ contest in Friday Fights history, yet after three rounds it looks like we are, if anything, headed for an early knockout. Imagining Williamson’s face to be a juicy half-volley outside off stump, Root throws a strong hand at the New Zealand skipper’s face to pocket yet another round. The Englishman’s home average of 50.25 is superior to the former SRH skipper’s 44.08. 

ROUND 4 -> AVERAGE IN NEUTRAL VENUES: Williamson rises from the dead to obliterate Root

Well, Englishmen suck at keeping the territories they’ve conquered intact, don’t they? The ‘Mr Complacent’ within Root wakes up after winning three straight rounds and after absorbing a ton of insults in the first three rounds - including Root dissing his off-spin - Williamson delivers a mighty right-cross to the cheekbones of the Yorkshireman to get off the mark in this bout. His neutral average of 69.17 is LIGHT YEARS AHEAD of Root’s 37.37. 

ROUND 5 -> AVERAGE IN MAJOR TOURNAMENTS: KANE ALL THE WAY!

ROOT IS SHOOOK! The right-hander tries to convince himself that Round 4 was a one-off blip, and thinks he’s got Round 5 under control thanks to his average of 54.045 in major tournaments, but Williamson ROARS and delivers a brutal uppercut to the English Test skipper to make it 3-2. The Kiwi skipper’s major tournament average of 59.8 helps him pocket Round 5. 

ROUND 6 -> STRIKE RATE:  Root identifies Williamson’s weakness and pummels him

Williamson’s ‘slowness’ was always going to be his Achilles Heel and Root, being the cunning yet clever tactician he is, ensures that he exploits it to the core. The Englishman, with his strike rate of 87.4, humiliates Williamson, whose 81.75 looks more suited to the 90s and 2000s. 

ROUND 7-> 50 TO 100 CONVERSIONS (in %): SO MUCH FOR ROOT’S REPUTATION, EH?

GOD I HATE THE INTERNET! For years the words  ‘Root can’t score a century’ has been repeated over and over and over and over again that I completely forgot how much that is NOT TRUE in ODI cricket. He might be a dud in Tests when it comes to scoring tons, but not here, pal. The English skipper’s 50s to 100s conversion % of 32.65 is SO, SO SUPERIOR to Williamson’s dismal 25%. 

ROUND 8 -> PERCENTAGE OF FIFTIES IN WINNING CAUSES: JOE ROOT IS A WINNER!

YESSSS. JOE ROOT IS A WINNER. I mean, in this round and in general. This contest is not over yet. But yes he’s a winner. A staggering 63.63% of Root’s fifties have come in winning causes, while for Williamson, that number is just 56.41%. Should Williamson blame his teammates for losing this round? I mean if I were in his place, I would definitely hold em responsible; can’t help their country win trophies, can’t help their skipper win contests. 

ROUND 9 -> PERCENTAGE OF HUNDREDS IN WINNING CAUSES: TALK ABOUT A CLOSE FIGHT!

IT’S A STEAL! IT’S A STEAL! WILLIAMSON HAS STOLEN THIS ROUND!  Fresh off his victory in the previous round, Root delivers a fine one-two combo that catches the Kiwi skipper bang on his nose, but after striking back with a jab of his own, Williamson gets the W in the VERY LAST SECOND by sneaking in a THUNDEROUS right-cross seconds before the bell goes off. GAME ON, FOLKS!

Round 10 -> NUMBER OF FIFTY-PLUS SCORES IN SUCCESSFUL CHASES: ROOT IS THE FIFTIES MAN - AGAIN!

FRIGGIN HELL, Root loves to own ANYTHING that has to do with ‘50’, doesn’t he? After conceding the previous round due to a lapse in concentration, the England skipper delivers an uppercut - one that he wished he’d instead delivered to Jofra Archer last week - to REIGN SUPREME! His percentage of fifty-plus scores in successful chases, 20.89%, is significantly better than Williamson’s 15.87. 

Round 11 -> AVERAGE IN H2H MATCHES: WAIT WHAT? IT’S A TIE!

JEEEEEEEEEEZ ROOT AND WILLIAMSON JUST CAN’T STOP TYING MATCHES WHEN THEY BATTLE EACH OTHER, CAN THEY?  For the THIRD time in just over a year, the two men indulge in a tie as there’s literally almost NOTHING to separate their H2H averages of 54.82 and 54.61. 

FINAL ROUND -> AVERAGE IN ICC KNOCKOUT MATCHES: AND JOE ROOT GETS THE KNOCKO… WAIT WHAT?

Both men are DRAINED as they head into the final round, and dish out one of the more indifferent rounds of this bout, but Root has JUST ENOUGH left in his tank as he catches Williamson with a sweet jab. Seeing Williamson on the verge of collapsing, Root reloads himself to unleash the knock-out punch, but HOLD UP, WILLIAMSON SHAKES HIS HAND AND CONCEDES THE MATCH. AND ROOT HUGS HIM BACK AND EMBRACES WILLIAMSON’S GESTURE! Now that’s a FRIDAY FIGHTS FIRST!  Root’s knockout average of 39.25 is superior to Williamson’s 34.66, but that counts for little as every single person in the crowd - virtual, of course - stands up and applauds the two men to acknowledge their sportsmanship.  

FINAL SCORE: 115-107