Satire Saturday | A peek inside India’s dressing room following widespread coronavirus

But, what happened inside the Indian dressing room? Weren’t they going around the city - Wellington, Hamilton, Auckland, Christchurch? Hold on, now it intrigues me and I know by now you must have been intrigued by what the meeting in the dressing room was like? When BCCI sent a press release on March 11 advising people how to take care of themselves during the time of the pandemic, it gave me the urge to find out what they really discussed when they were in New Zealand. 

Doc went like, “OKAY GUYS, ENOUGH ABOUT THE GAME, I want to tell you guys more important stuff.” For a minute, there seemed to be pin-drop silence in the dressing room, as the doctor is very often the last person to rather give the crowd a dumb-down. And the doc added, “LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY! This is regarding a possible ‘pandemic,’ as you would all have heard of - the Coronavirus. We must be careful, DAMN careful, DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING, PLEASE! And, if you wondered why India were lacklustre in the field? Here, I said it, it was because of Coronavirus, because of which India did not get hold of the ball, multiple catches dropped. 

And, then Ravindra Jadeja, like always chipped in by asking, “What do we do when we get one?” Jadeja being Jadeja was scared that he will catch everything that comes his way. That is when Shastri steps back into the conversation and goes on a long-long speech, one that has ‘lecture’ written all over it. He goes like, “ Okay okay, we have had enough conversation about the virus. Just like our plans on the field, we can plan it away with some basic sanitisation - washing hands with soap & water for a minimum of 20 seconds, use of hand sanitizers. And just when he was on to his third point, there goes Umesh Yadav with a ‘sneeze,’ and the entire room goes back to being remorseful and suspenseful. However, Shastri looked at Yadav glaringly and went on to say cover your mouth with hands to the pacer, who continued to be ‘home-sick,’ on and off the field. 

The Mumbaikar continued on and added that ‘Report to the medical team immediately in case of fever, cough or any illness.’ Guess who stood up first, Ishant ‘Lambu’ Sharma, saying but coach I already told you guys that I have a headache and slight body-pain, does it mean I have Coronavirus? Immediately, the dressing room looked shocked and a lot of eyes looked spooky because their star-pacer had just come out and asked that question. However, Doc immediately went like “Guys hold on! Stop panicking, it is not that way, and Ishant you are fine, you are just jet-lagged, don’t worry about it.” While all of this was happening, Super ‘V’ was busy on Instagram, where he posted a video, wishing FC Goa all the best for their encounter against Chennaiyin FC. 

On their flight back home, the Indian team while being scared ensured that everyone carried bottles of hand sanitizer, which is the reason they are ‘Sold-out.’ And, if you are thought you are the only one, no, even Shastri did not get his share of sanitizer. Hence, guess what Shastri did, just like everyone on social media - had bottles of vodka and whisky thinking that it would prevent him from the virus. To add to that, he also had the bottle of ‘Corona,’ that he had saved for the post-series party after the T20I series which he now threw out of the window. While the virus led to a global outcry, the Indian players were discussing returning home and playing for their respective franchises. However, there was one sad face - Kohli, who’s team FC Goa lost their two-legged semi-final against Chennaiyin, which again meant Dhoni got an edge over him both as a captain and an owner. He also was worried that he would not win the IPL if the league got cancelled due to the virus when Ravichandran Ashwin and Jadeja reminded him that ‘Tera kya hoga Kohliya.’