Satire Saturday | ICC plans to revolutionise cricket; including changes like face masks and sanitizers

ByAakash Sivasubramaniam, SportsCafe Editor

05/30/2020

It is the middle of summer in the hot and dry country - Dubai, where incidentally is also ICC’s headquarters and the hottest point of our discussion - the meeting which plans to revolutionize cricket. The council, headed by the chairman, Shashank Manohar is all set to make a big decision.

Fortunately, for all of you, there is no need to be tensed or concerned about what is going to happen in the meeting, as we are covering it live for you. Hold your thoughts, if you are a bowler, pray to all the lords, as it is sure-shot, set to be dreadful news for you guys. Oh, look who we have here - Anil Kumble, the man finally is here, can it be any sort of respite for the bowlers? Shashank Manohar kicked things off, admitting that this is one of the worst periods in cricketing history and compared it to the Australian national team’s incident with Sharad Pawar.

The reporters, including us, were all invited over a Zoom call, which was only for the standard free version of minutes. We were welcomed, unfortunately, snacks and drinks never came our way but what did come our way was information that is about to change cricket and the way it is played. Have you ever watched Baseball and wondered what would happen, if cricket followed a similar pattern and became boring with more breaks? Don’t worry, ICC has got you covered, they are planning on revolutionizing cricket in such a way that Doctors would recommend this sport nine out of ten times. So, let me not really waste much of your time here and get to the minutes of the meeting.

Saliva ban and it’s alternate for the bowlers

First up, the main point of discussion around the table was the ban on saliva, which was brought in front of the table. While Kumble and co had already presented their point of view last week, it was not convincing enough for the bowlers to take a comprehensive note of. Several bowlers came out over the course of the week, bashing the ICC for taking such a nincompoop decision. In all audacity, it had to be discussed and discussed as the first topic. In a stunning fashion, there was this person who jumped up with a brilliant idea.

What was ittttt? Well, if you are not living under a rock in the last two months, you would know that the solution to every possible problem is Hand sanitizer. Here too, it was no different as the person suggested that bowlers would have to use only hand sanitizers, approved by the match-referees to shine the ball. So much so, reports have already come in that Dettol and co have increased their production rate, in a bid to become a trusted partner for the cricketing board around the world.

In the past two months, its stock has gone up so much that if Dettol’s CEO wanted to be the President of the United States of America, that could too happen within the blink of an eye. But, to think about it, the fact that he has been intelligent takes his name away from the presidency race. Naturally, here too, everyone was sort of confused on how to handle this sensitive issue and finally, agreed on this, because not only was it safe and reputed but also they could rope in a new sponsor. That led to the next possible question, what about its friend - mask? Across the table, people had a ready answer for that one - which is getting the bloody Bane on the market. If you didn’t know, it is a codeword for a full-face mask, which would prevent the fielders from using saliva.

Social distancing in cricket

Before we stepped into this room, we were briefed about how the entire meeting was going to be scheduled. Two-three topics would be discussed before the tea session, just like it was a Test match, with the rest broken into two sessions - one after lunch and one after tea. So just before we break for the morning tea session - they discussed social distancing. Social distancing is another such word that has been used extensively in the past few months. It has kind of become the new social norm in a lot of countries. In the cricketing context, how possibly could they maintain social distancing? That was our question before the meeting. However, just like every other section, we were provided with a detailed explanation on this one.

ICC’s members had a solution to this as well. As mentioned in the meeting, close-in fielders were going to be banned and from now-on, the fielders’ position would be marked with chalk. It would be in compliance with the social distancing norms around the world. In the same context, the straight umpire would no longer be a thing, with the leg-umpire being the only one allowed. The social distancing even was for the slip-fielders, who would no longer be standing next to each other within an arm’s reach. The same extended to the dugout, with the ICC mentioning teams to follow a similar one to which is followed by the footballers in the Bundesliga. Only six players would be allowed to sit in the dugout, with the coach being next to the pitch.

Work from the home scene

The next of course was going to be work from home scene or as we call it WFH. Discussion about this started right after their respective lunches. This part was about the commentators and all the people involved with the pre-match and post-match interviews. First up was about the toss - it was decided in the meeting that toss would now be a thing of the past. Everyone was left shocked, with the drastic decision. We were clueless about what could be the alternative but then there was it, the age-old ‘Rock Paper Scissors,’ was back in trend. Replacing the toss, the two skippers have to fight it out against each other in a three-round RPS competition.

Commentators, on the other hand, too faced the same situation, with them working from home, using Zoom call, where they would be talking about the game just like they do it from the ground. On top of that, the post-match presentation would see a drastic turnaround - with the interviews using the Spidercam for the man of the match presentation. And, the customary handing over of the cheque would now be done through the series sponsor - be it PayTM or Royal Bank of Scotland. It would be transferred on the spot to the player and the cricketing boards.