Satire Saturday | Premier Leagueâs elite had a chance for greatness and they took it
Satire Saturday - October 17th
|Sportscafe
*Click* Itâs been a week, or so, since football was placed in a diamond-studded cocktail shaker and turned upside down by the Premier Leagueâs elite before it was poured into the drain for being morally right. Some would call it an emotional rollercoaster, others call it Saturday. Both are correct.
But this is not an article on who is right or who is wrong. If it was, then Donald Trump would be the president of the USA, although that Richie Rich looking man would be our first target. No taller than five foot eleven at the most, thin and he looked like he hated crowds which would later turn out to be true as he paid off a few men to give them ample privacy. This was after all one of the few restaurants, bars, coliseums and clubs open to large gatherings and it was here that he wanted to conduct whatever he was about to do.
Letâs listen in, oh and names have been changed to protect absolutely nobody.
âBut this has not been an ordinary year although in many ways it has given us exactly what we expected it to hand. Weâve seen Liverpool win a title, Leeds United end an exile, Manchester City spend more money, Manchester United fans claim that theyâre back to the good ol days and you get my point. Itâs been some of the same and a lot of the absurd but judging by your face, you want me to get to my point quickly, donât you?â
The man stares back and says absolutely nothing but from one death ray stare from just under the waspy white hair later and the voice goes on.
âEffectively sire, to put it lightly, this could have handed them a chance. I mean imagine, you could be the saviour of the worldâs favourite sport and then give the public what they want. What do they want? More football, stadiums jam packed with fans and naturally a time machine to erase 2020 completely and certain technology tells us that itâs around the corner. The proposal, Project Big Picture, was the chance of a life-time sire and they sqâŚ.â
Technical issues but hereâs a basic explanation. (It was here that the voice, opposite Richie Rich, went onto explain how it was the chance of a life-time, a chance to make a âviral, life affirming movie much like what FIFA produced about their president/founder or whoever that man wasâ. He also made the point the this could have transformed some reputation or another in the eyes of someone and [audioâs back])
âThis was it, if there was ever a moment to look back on and wonder what if, this was it. Because you see sire, for years rumours have been floating about the (tables clatter as people cough) six and their issues with the lack of money they earn. It was after all why they opted to split the broadcast income by league position instead of equally between all, right?âÂ
Richie Rich continues to stare.
The voice goes on âThen came Project Big Picture and just like that poof went the illusions. Itâs like everyone snapped out of the daze they were in and slowly woke up from the matrix. Only in this case, the Big Six is their target of affection and sire theyâre coming for them. Theyâre gonna be chasing hard and fast to give them one nice soul squeezing hug. I mean come on sire, they so graciously decided to save the English Football Pyramid and all 90 clubs within them.
âPlus, and this is the bit that I love, they chose to hand the FA and fund womenâs football which was apparently a must have part of the proposal. Maybe this was Manchester United and Liverpoolâs way to get their womenâs team back on their (tables clatter as people cough) perch. Itâs truly something else sire and the best part is the rules bit. Let me tell you, the EFL clubs are loving it.
âWho wants to stress on rules, regulations, voting rights, how broadcast money is distributed, or making simple choices like who owns whom? Itâs a brotherhood of football sire, and it was simply ingenious and they absolutely loved it. Plus, it allows the Big Six to introduce a much-needed facet in English football; B teams although wonât they be called C teams with the loan rule?
âThatâs just my thing but sire, this is the right move. We need to preserve English football from clubs like Leicester City, Arsenal, Tottenham (tables clatter as people cough) from ever winning anything again. Itâs a must make move to preserve the natural order of this world or else the entire English Football League could collapse sire. Imagine sire, the state of Twitter if Marcelo Bielsa ever wins anything and then treble the damage after G(tables clatter as people cough)ess says something about Paul Pogba.
âBesides thatâs just more money going into their pockets and then how will they be able to play football on a weekly basis? Itâs a CSR sir, you see weâre effectively taking the money from their pockets, lining ours and then going about our day with the weight of it weighing us down. If anything, they should be paying us for helping them lighten their load. I mean so what if now the entire footballing world knows just how greedy and power-hungry the Big six are?
âSo what if they know that they lust after power, money and more power so much, that theyâre willing to sacrifice the very league that raised them from mere little tiddlets to the giants they are today. The same league that effectively helped breed the players that fill many a team in many a league across the world and here in the great land itself sire. Thatâs mere semantics and nothing anyone cares about, I mean after who watches Bolton Wanderers in Kuala Lumpur? Who cares about Charlton Athletic in Thailand? Who has even heard of Bury outside England, because after all thatâs where the real moola lies.â
Richie Rich has started to smile. It seems the mention of money excites him.
âAnd as for the critics? Lady Karren Brady. Really? The same woman who âdidnât actâ in favour of her club when she wrote a Pulitzer prize-winning column about the 2019/20 Premier League season being made null and void and nobody cares about the journalists and the rest. Fans? Who cares about them, weâre doing just fine! And as for the complaints about heavy spending? Manchester City have made only seven permanent moves this season and 28 since 2017. Nottingham Forest, a Championship club, have made 43 permanent and 18 loan signings since June of 2017!!
âWho is keeping them in check? Nobody and the world should know it, the world needs to know sire just how financially dependent they are on the Premier League. Imagine, all it would take to save them is âŹ250 million and a reasonable cut of the meagre ÂŁ8.6 billion in TV revenue the top tier will earn for the 2019-22 league cycle. Weâre already giving them a massive 6.8% chunk of the revenue, how much more do they want? I mean sire, thatâs more than enough to run a few companies as you very well know.â
Richie Rich continues to smile and is now nodding.Â
âAnd never mind that the plan has been dumped down the drain sire, because this will be back. You know it, I know it, they know and everyone knows it because they will be back and back with a bang. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow or even the day after but mark my words, they will be back and theyâll be back richer. You havenât forgotten, have you? The fact that the Champions League, and Europa League, have expansion plans in mind from 2024? That will make them even richer and then watch.Â
âWatch was they explode boss and explode although the hope is that the Big Six come to their senses and do the right thing. The fans sire, they want them to not earn money or focus on themselves for once but instead do what is right for the greater good. Whose sire? Theirs sire, the EFL, the English Football League, the grassroots game, the futsal game, the League One, the League Two and the Championship. They ask that the elite do it for the sake of football, give the peopleâs game a chance to survive. Idiots. Sire? Everything alright??â
Whoops, it seems theyâve spotted me and here come two scary looking menâŚ.
*Voice recording over*