Confirming the long-time suspicion of Indian cricket fans, MS Dhoni admitted in the press conference that the Zimbabwe tour is actually a front for the team's family tours.
Speaking about what sparked this sinister plan, Dhoni said, “I got this idea a few years back from my doctor friend. He used to keep going on medical conferences in Amsterdam and Bangkok, of all places. I thought if he can, I am captain of the Indian team, and I should be able to. And that was how this tour plan came about”.
MSD went on to describe how the plan became such a success and how this year it led to so much infighting in the Indian team for a spot in the tour. “All of them acted like kids and everyone wanted to come to Zimbabwe. In fact, Rohit and Kohli had to be separated by me after they got into a fistfight. So to avoid any more trouble, I grounded the entire first team and brought these kids over”. (That clearly explains why Rohit refused to call Kohli the “greatest” even after Gavaskar, Imran Khan and everyone queued up to say it)
As a shocked bunch of press people woke up from a five-day stupor induced by partly by the low-quality Zimabawean wine and mostly by the depressing quality of cricket, Dhoni dropped the second bomb on the group. After winning the toss, he had chosen to bowl first for reasons which finally made sense – after fielding first, the rest of the team had packed off to catch the evening city tour starting from near the stadium.
“I hear it's more interesting to watch those lions lazily scratch their bellies all day than these games. I wish I was younger and did not have this burden of a captaincy,” said Dhoni going into a contemplative mode.
He also added, “You know what's funny. When KL Rahul was batting in the first match, the rest of the batting had already gone off to the bazaar for some shopping. If he had gotten out, we would have had to send only Sanjay Bangar to the middle. I had to call these fellows personally to come in time for the photoshoot after Rahul's century.
“Before the third match even the Zimabwean guys found out what we were up to and wanted in. Suffice to say we had an early day (even earlier than usual) and that they showed us a good time around,” he said with a wink.
Asked how he ensured who debuted each match, Dhoni turned his 'Professor' mode on. “You know representing the nation at this level is no easy task. It is such a difficult choice playing with people's lives – deciding who makes his debut today, and who goes to the safari today. That's why I came up with the ultimate solution - Rock, paper, scissors. The players now have the power to decide who will debut that day and more importantly who gets to go to safari.”
Makhaya Ntini would definitely want to reassess that “hanging himself from that tomato tree” business with so much happening in the opposite camp.
PS: In case you have not realized it already, this was a satire and was intended to be taken with a pinch of salt.