[Satire] Claudio Ranieri dedicates Leicester's title to Thai hookers
Even as the footballing world was recovering from the shock of the Leicester city's title triumph and Arsenal's non-fourth place finish, Claudio Ranieri dropped a bombshell – addressing the press today, Ranieri said, “This win has everything to do with Thailand. In fact, I am personally escorting the team there to dedicate the victory to the monks and madames of that great nation. The Thai monks won us the game against United last year, but the Thai madames won us the league this year. What happened between the thig… errr thais has been truly magical,” with a sheepish smile.
Instead of brushing the entire fiasco that led to previous manager Pearson's sacking under the blanket, Ranieri has reportedly demanded that history record how the butterfly effect of one drunken video shot in a Thai hotel room culminated in one of the greatest stories the sportsworld has ever seen. “Not all fairy tales need to have a fairytale beginning and a fairytale ending. Sometimes you eat the fox, sometimes the fox eats you,” he said.
Claudio Ranieri teased out the secrets behind their success one by one, and they all pointed only in one direction – EAST. “Our training schedules are quite simple, no magic. Every player is treated to a daily dose of some non-violent beating by the peace-loving monks. On big match days, we fly in the chief monk,” said Ranieri.
Affirming the story, Jamie Vardy said, “They come with little sticks, dip them in holy water and then slap you over the head as hard as they can. At first, I got annoyed with the continuous blows to the head - but then I calmed myself accepting the bangs as penance for all the shit I chatted in the lower leagues.
“Before the United
Embittered United fans had tried to personally test the holy water for secret additives that could prove the recent doping allegations, but subjects reported a sudden blossoming of inner peace, visions of 1000-petaled lotuses and the urge to support the Foxes transcending their conflicted loyalties.
“As you see, the East has much more to offer to football than you can imagine. In fact, our counter-attacking style this year was just the first step in a grand plan – Okazaki showed me this revolutionary way of oriental football called Shaolin soccer. I was skeptical, but he proved it with his kung fu kick against Newcastle - that was so Zen. Now, we intend to bring you something much more magical in the next season. Schmeichel has been studying the movie-tapes day in and day out, and you can expect him to show the Arsenal strikers a thing or two, come next season,” said Ranieri.
In fact, the crescendo appeared to have hit fever-pitch during Leicester's celebration after lifting the trophy. After the entourage on field was seen flashing framed pictures of exotic-looking men, Ranieri confirmed rumors that have floated around ever since. “Yes. The King Power stadium will be rechristened the King Bhumipol Atulyadej Vichai Srichennaprabha Power stadium in honour of the blessings endowed on us by the Great One,” said Ranieri. “They have not only helped us lift the trophy, but many other little things as well. I was an old man. Now I am a happy old man, all thanks to them. This is just a little gesture in return,” remarked the Tinkerman.
Eventually, the gaffer bid farewell to the capacity crowd. Barely concealing his delight, he put up his hands in the air and said, “Dilly ding dilly dong, Here we come Hong Kong”. Stunned shortly, The gathered quickly collected their wits and informed the avuncular gaffer that Hong Kong is quite a different geographical entity from Bangkok. The Italian, having realized he had just displayed an almost-American geographical ignorance, quickly stubbed the conversation with a shrill cry of “It does not matter. Hey man! We are in the Champions league. Dilly Ding Dilly Dong, who cares about Hong Kong Yayay!”.
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