Why Your Team Sucks: New Zealand at the 2023 ICC World Cup
To make it to an elite tournament such as this with just 10 nations participating must mean your team is quite special, right? Newsflash: the ‘World’ Cup is a misnomer, ICC is cricket’s ruling body just for name’s sake, ODI cricket is on its deathbed, and your team New Zealand sucks.
Admit it – you NEVER mention New Zealand when discussing your World Cup favourites but love to go around screaming “I told you so” when they inevitably end up in the knockout stages after trumping one of the major favourites. Don’t worry, it is nothing to be embarrassed about, we all do it. Some suspect it is the only reason the oddball Kiwis exist in the cricketing world. After all, what are they if not the perpetual dark horses? It is right there in their name – the BLACK Caps.
I’ll acknowledge the elephant in the room, this is making us all uncomfortable. No one wants to ill-mouth the nice guys. Except for the Aussies of course; typical. But their latest move perhaps might even win over their giant of a neighbour – the too-humble-to-be-true Kiwis have decided to participate in cricket’s biggest event with just 13 players, despite the offensively sultry subcontinental heat and the ungodly amounts of travel involved. Either they decided that winning equated to not being nice to others, or were too kind to say no to carrying around Kane Williamson and Tim Southee in crutches. How sweet.
I will give them some benefit of the doubt though – it must be tricky picking a full squad from amongst the 30 or so men that actually play cricket in their small island nation. India fields more players in a year across formats than New Zealand has cricketers in their country. There are also definitely more Black Caps fans in India than New Zealand’s population. No wonder they had to accept the whims and fancies of Trent Boult and take him to the World Cup – the Kiwis are simply too nice to hold grudges, right?
But honestly, New Zealand do have some serious firepower in their pace attack. Sorry, I meant had. Has someone told Gary Stead that Boult and Southee are 34 years old? Also, hey Lockie, this is not 2019 anymore, there are new hail-mary-delivering fire-breathing rockstars in town. Your 22 wickets in four years won’t cut it, even India’s top-order in a knockout game would pummel this version of you.
No but really, have you heard of those guys that stay hung over their high-school sweethearts their entire lives because they once shared one good kiss which was the most beautiful thing they’d ever experienced? That is New Zealand Cricket. Seriously guys, let go of these oldies, 12 of your 15 men are in their 30s. NO, Will Young does not count as youth – he is 30 years old all the same.
Hold on a minute – sorry guys, NZC just called. They said they are well aware of the facts but simply don’t care because their success quote for the next two decades has already been filled. Psst, I’ll even share a secret with you – why do you think the World Cup is being held in India? Don’t be fooled into believing the BCCI won a bid or something to host this marquee event. NZC just asked them nicely whether they could arrange a two-month vacation for their ‘Golden Generation’ in the only country where these players are worshipped as heroes, and their Indian counterparts obliged.
It would be a nice homecoming as well for their spin duo of Rachin Ravindra and Ish Sodhi, the former’s Bangalore-belonging father naming him after the current Indian head coach while the latter was born in Ludhiana. In fact, rumour has it that Axar Patel is potentially in line to feature as the Kiwi’s third Indian spinner after his Men in Blue snub. He already fulfils the ‘niceness’ criteria, just needs to be funnier in his pressers to be fully eligible.
Moving on, the one player who could potentially hold the key to New Zealand’s campaign is Glenn Phillips – John Cena approves of him, who am I to disagree? Daryl Mitchell has been in some seriously terrifying nick as well and Devon Conway has already expressed his love for Indian pitches with the bat countless times in the past. Add Tom Latham to the mix, and it begins to look like a world-class batting unit capable of overhauling anyone in the world. Now they just need another opener, two pacers, an all-rounder, a spinner and a captain who is fit – easy peasy.
Jokes aside, more than half of New Zealand’s squad does not even play in the IPL, that is how obviously poor they are. Don’t @ me, the IPL is the end-all and be-all of cricket, it has been for the past three centuries – argue with your gran.
Honestly guys, things really do look bleak. But the Kiwis definitely have two things to be ecstatic about. Firstly, ICC has banished the frightful boundary countback rule. On an unrelated note, Justin Trudeau has apologized for something or the other again. And secondly, this time around they definitely won’t have to endure the heartbreak of 2015 and 2019 because they won’t get to the final in the first place.
Enough of upsetting the scales over the past decade, it is time to restore the balance. To recall the iconic quip from baseball’s very own Lippy, “The nice guys are all over there, in seventh place.”