Why Your Team Sucks: Australia at the 2023 ICC World Cup
To make it to an elite tournament such as this with just 10 nations participating must mean your team is quite special, right? Newsflash: the ‘World’ Cup is a misnomer, ICC is cricket’s ruling body just for name’s sake, ODI cricket is on its deathbed, and your team Australia sucks.
The big dogs. The team to beat on the big stage, regardless of form. Boasting the pedigree of true champions with five titles in the bag. Ready to fight for the ultimate honor once again with a star-studded cast including the likes of the prodigious Cameron Green.
Wait, are Australia just wannabe Mumbai Indians, the greatest team to exist in the history of cricket dating back to 2008? Sorry, was just anticipating what the talk on social media is bound to be in a few years' time. I won't complain though, anything better than the undue arrogance of the Aussie fans – wake up, this ain't 2007 anymore. Anyway, the MI link does explain Australia's disastrous losing streak last month – what a wonderful throwback to IPL 2022.
Speaking of history, Australia's pace trio appear weathered and aged entering their third World Cup as a pack, all past the age of 30. Their reputation precedes them, as does their prime which predates an entire pandemic. The last time Pat Cummins, Josh Hazlewood, and Pat Cummins were on top in ODIs in tandem, Justin Langer was still ‘one of Australia’s own’ and Steve Smith hadn't yet got the white-ball yips.
Let’s talk about Smith, by the way, the successor to Sir Bradman. Evidently, his skill level in ODIs is also the same as the Don’s, especially when it comes to batting away from home. The 34-year-old averages 35.89 in ODIs outside Australia, a fair way off the contemporary greats. His eccentric witchcraft is clearly no good whenever there is an overs limit, just like the sandpaper. At least a ‘brain fade’ or two may still be useful though regardless of format.
Sandpaper reminds me, Smith is not the only one about to play his last World Cup. Professional tiktoker and part-time run-scorer David Warner is likely to call time on his ODI career at the end of the tournament, one he was hopeful of leading the team into not so long ago. However, the opener eventually fell victim to a mysterious new phenomenon in Cricket Australia – I think they call it conscience. But if the Aussies do something it has to be groundbreaking, even punishments, and so the veteran remains banned from captaincy. Jeez, can’t believe these guys hate the Poms when they are essentially the same at heart – attention-grabbing spoilsports. Nonetheless, hopefully we’ll get to see another David Warner crying press conference to cap it all off, boy was that some good television.
Warner’s loss was Cummins’ gain who has now built inherited a team choc-a-bloc with all-rounders. Mitchell Marsh and Marcus Stoinis have emerged as the side’s cornerstones in recent times, two players any team would love to have in their squad. Well, if it was the Arm Wrestling World Cup that is. Fun fact: steroids consume Marsh and Stoinis to enhance their potency. The growth of the latter’s body has been inversely proportional to his ODI career – the Western Australian has not scored a half-century since 2019. When your batting record is worse than Shardul Thakur and Dasun Shanaka, there is something severely wrong.
But that tells quite a story though about Australian cricket and their fall from grace. Remember the time their A side was good enough to be ranked the second-best in the world and quite comfortably at that? Cut to 2023 and they are content carrying Travis Head into a splint because of the lack of a capable enough replacement at the top of the order.
Incidentally, the opener was also the closest the Kangaroos had to a spin all-rounder apart from Ashton Agar, who was ruled out at the last minute. Consequently, the Kangaroos have decided Glenn Maxwell would operate as their second front-line spinner, with no other backups in the squad. That is like electing Donald Trump President – clearly incapable of the role, highly inconsistent, spins white rocks for fun, and somehow has a strange mass appeal. I’d steer clear of the Cricket Australia headquarters were Maxwell to be dropped from the team at any point.
The only positive news for Australia heading into the World Cup is everyone Down Under is busy watching the Rugby World Cup. That’d help alleviate some of the ridiculous pressure to win every World Cup game. Just kidding – being an armchair expert while chugging beers like the world is ending is an Australian speciality. I imagine the only reason why someone could like the Aussies is because they hate the English with a passion. Anyway, that brings an end to this series for the 2023 World Cup. I’m grateful to have reached the end without being randomly replaced by Marnus Labuschagne at any point.