Why Your Team Sucks: India at the 2023 ICC World Cup
To make it to an elite tournament such as this with just 10 nations participating must mean your team is quite special, right? Newsflash: the ‘World’ Cup is a misnomer, ICC is cricket’s ruling body just for name’s sake, ODI cricket is on its deathbed, and your team India sucks.
Mitchell Starc? Marco Jansen? Reece Topley? Who is it going to be this time around? Or will it be Trent Boult again? We all know what I am talking about. 15 men chosen from 1.5 billion, India is a literal super-team but where’s the fun without a Kryptonite, amirite?
10 years without a major trophy won, four finals lost in the process. Two semi-final eliminations. Virat Kohli is now the last man standing from that iconic World Cup final 12 years ago at the Wankhede. The guy’s so good at chasing he got to the target with 15 years of his career to spare and has been chilling in the big tournaments ever since, WHAT A LIFE. By the way, we know you’re about to turn 35 Virat, hanging out and indulging in absurd shenanigans with Shubman and Ishan won’t make you Benjamin Button.
Speaking of Gill, boy is the young gun in the form of his life. The 23-year-old has got five ODI centuries and over 1,000 runs already in 2023. Apparently, his success is a direct result of the Ministry of Transport’s endeavours. The highways they have been building have served as the perfect practice for Gill for the road-like pitches all across India – thank you Modiji.
The youngster has also undoubtedly benefitted from opening alongside the vastly experienced Rohit Sharma. His career is also about to come full circle – from being snubbed as a middle-order batter in 2011 to leading the Men in Blue into a World Cup on home soil, all because of a genius promotion up the order by a certain MS Dhoni. What’s that? Oh, Gautam Gambhir says it would not have been possible if he did not allow Rohit to bash runs at will against KKR but people here are obsessed with her– got it GG.
Rohit will be aided in the leadership think tank by The Wall himself, Rahul Dravid. The 50-year-old’s clearly frustrated still with the way he was managed in his playing days and is using his new role to vent out his anger. At least that is the only way I can justify India having a half-fit KL Rahul as the team’s first-choice wicketkeeper. #IndiranagarkaGunda
On that note of team selection, India at the last minute roped in a semi-retired Ravichandran Ashwin into the World Cup squad. The choice was between him and Washington Sundar and albeit the latter is a better batter, the former got the nod as the men in Blue’s Mankad specialist – look out Jos. It was quite a reversal in fortune though for Ashwin, who had not played an ODI in 18 months and capped off a topsy-turvy year that saw him sit out the World Test Championship Final despite being the number-one ranked bowler. If this trend is anything to go by, I can’t wait to see the off-spinner be named India captain for the 2024 World T20.
The 37-year-old is the only member apart from Kohli to have been part of the squad in 2011. His experience might prove to be vital in helping India push past the knockout stage hump that has plagued them for the past decade, as will the presence of four Mumbai Indians players who know how to win trophies. If you believe that’s nonsense, why don’t you then explain to me how Suryakumar Yadav got into the 15-man squad, pfft. Why else do you think Yuzvendra Chahal failed to make the cut? Could not have been his ODI average of 27 or the 37 ODI wickets he has taken since the 2019 World Cup – it is only because the RCB DNA runs strong in him. #Panauti
Speaking of SKY, while his subpar ODI average of 27.79 (and a record three successive golden ducks earlier in the year and just four half-centuries in 30 games and the clear-as-day discomfort while batting in 50-over cricket) is a major cause of concern, maybe people are just being too harsh on him. Sanju Samson is already 28 years old anyway and has played a mammoth 13 ODIs – that’s 10 too many if you ask me given a terrible average of 55.71. Young talents like SKY need to be given an extended run to show their true potential – WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE IS 33 YEARS OLD??? Uhm, I mean whatever, SUPLA>>>>
All said and done though, any World Cup in India feels no less than a cricket festival. Here, we follow the principle of Atithi Devo Bhava with religious sincerity, so much so that we allowed Australia to comfortably fine-tune their team in a three-match series. Why should they be operating at anything less than the very best when they run India ragged in the World Cup opener?
The fact that the tournament has been organized flawlessly only adds to the hype. The schedule was considerately released ages ago to allow fans to plan their itinerary, stadiums have been upgraded to guarantee top-tier fan experience, the ticketing partners handled all the load impeccably, and the resale market has been tackled extremely efficiently to keep passes from being sold for lakhs of rupees.
What are you waiting for? That’s it, that’s the article. Fin.