Pokemon Go | Arsene Wenger force-feeds candies to Walcott as he refuses to evolve

It was drizzling in London, the weather had been the same for the past one week. It was late in the night as a trench-coat-donning slender frame walked down a dimly lit alley behind the Ashburton Grove. He was frantically moving from one dumpster to another with a phone in his hand, pausing a while to catch his breath. Arsene Wenger's age was betraying his exuberance. But a sudden bling on his mobile device brightened up his face—there was a Mewtwo in the next dumpster.

“Pokemon and footballers are weirdly similar. All the pokemon have different capabilities, and are categorized under different types—fire, water, electric etc—much like the footballers—defenders, goalkeepers, strikers, substitutes etc. Like the legendary pokemon Mew and Mewtwo, the Messis and Ronaldos are rare in this world, while there are just too many of rattatas, also known as Titus Brambles in the footballing world,” Wenger said in an exclusive.

However, not all of those lessons have been desirable. A couple of days back, while using a lure module at a pokestop, Arsene Wenger met Gonzalo Higuain and his agent Nicolas Higuain in a posh restaurant. The Frenchman, after facing years of criticism from experts and fans alike for failing to sign a world-class striker, was determined to entice the Argentine forward to the Emirates.

“Baies,” Wenger told the waiter in the restaurant. A few minutes later, the waiter came out with a plateful of berries. A perplexed Gonzalo Higuain, fearing it might be too bad-mannered to send it back, gulped down a handful of them. But the night was about to get weirder for the 28-year-old. After he swigged down the berries, Wenger rose to his feet, pulled out what looked like a pokeball from his pocket, and threw it at Higuain.

On Monday, a slew of trucks were seen parked outside the Emirates stadium, each of them carrying piles of incenses—all of which were lined up and burned surrounding the perimeter of the stadium. As it turned out, Wenger wanted to lure star footballers to the club. After patiently waiting in his dugout for 25 minutes, the Frenchman finally heard footsteps down the entrance. A wild Theo Walcott had appeared—much to Wenger's disappointment.

“I am Walcott the right back,” was the reply.

Walcott has been like a metapod for Wenger, always promising to be the beautiful butterfree, but the evolution has never taken place. But the Frenchman did not take a no for an answer on Monday, especially after wasting so many incenses. The 66-year-old grabbed Walcott by the neck, and dragged him into the dressing room. Just before the door was closed, he was seen force-feeding Walcott with candies and mysterious concoction of dusts.