The Indian Premier League is truly a theater of dreams. One special performance can catapult an obscure young player to instant fame; a good season can resurrect a flagging career, and a memorable knock can result in the bank balance swelling multi-fold. But it is not all a bed of roses.

Keep in mind though, that this is a piece half in jest and tongue firmly in cheek; there is no intention to hurt or demean the players or their fans. 

This team, if it plays to potential, can give any other team a run for its money; except that it is unlikely to. Kohli alone has more runs than all the batsmen combined in this team and Yuzvendra Chahal alone has more wickets than all the bowlers combined in this team.

Note: The team is selected based strictly on the performances in the IPL Group Stage. We are in no way responsible for any good performances in the playoffs and the fault lies entirely with the players.

Openers:

Shreyas Iyer:

Big things were expected from this 21-year old batsman. He was bought for a whopping 2.6 Crores by Delhi Daredevils in the 2015 IPL auction, and he did not disappoint. Iyer duly won the ‘Emerging Player of the Tournament’ award in IPL 2015, before having a dream Ranji Trophy season, where he scored 1321 runs at an average of 73.39; only the second player to score 1300 runs in a single season in Ranji Trophy’s long history.

In short, he was one decent IPL away from a place in the Indian Team. What followed though was nothing short of a nightmare. 3 duck-outs, 2 single-digit scores and a highest score of 19 in six innings. A total of 30 runs at a grand average of 5. These are cringe worthy numbers by any standard. Consequently, he did not make it to the Indian Team for either the Tests in West Indies or the ODI’s in Zimbabwe, despite the majority of the 1st choice players being rested.

Chris Gayle:

He is the 'universe boss' or so he says. His scores in IPL 2016 reads as follows: 1, 0, 7, 5, 6, 49, 73, 1, 9. The two innings of 49 and 73 have ruined what would otherwise have been a perfect phone number. For a man widely proclaimed as the most destructive batsman in World Cricket, 142 runs at an average of 17.75 makes for sorry reading.

Each of his runs have cost Rs 5.92 Lakhs; Universe Boss, he most certainly is not!

David Miller:

Price: 500 Lakhs, Matches: 14, Runs: 161, Average: 16.1 Rupees/Run: 3.11 Lakhs

Each of his runs have cost Punjab Rs. 3.11 Lakhs, and richly deserves a place in this team. 

Deepak Hooda:

Deepak Hooda is nick-named ‘Hurricane’ for his ability to change a game in no time. Sunrisers Hyderabad certainly believed in that nickname and they bought him for Rs 4.2 Crores, at 42 times his base price. Such was their faith and belief in him, that they played him match after match, despite repeated failures. And this is how Hooda repaid the faith: 116 runs at an average of 10.54. But then Hooda bowls too. He has a total of 3 wickets from 14 matches!



It takes some doing to produce numbers like this.

Kane Williamson:

Kane Williamson is as good a batsman as they come. He oozes class and displays remarkable consistency. He was supposed to be SRH’s batting mainstay. But it turned out all so wrong. Kane Williamson was injured for the initial part of the tournament and SRH were desperate for him to recover. When he finally did recover and played, his performances were underwhelming at best. 124 runs at 20.66 for the player of Williamson’s caliber is hugely disappointing.

Mahendra Singh Dhoni:

284 runs at an average of 40 and a strike-rate of 135. Pulling off a remarkable heist by smashing 23 runs in the last over including 2 magical sixes off the last 2 balls. What is he doing in this team? But this is Mahendra Singh Dhoni that we are talking about. Mahendra Singh Dhoni is a towering giant in IPL. There is nothing that he cannot do and he has, in fact, done it all. He has captained Chennai Super Kings to 2 IPL titles and 2 Champions League titles. So when his team finishes 2nd from the bottom, Dhoni has not lived up to his expectations. Barring the last league match, Dhoni has looked listless throughout the tournament. Dhoni has looked lost without Chennai Super Kings. His struggle was best exemplified by a pathetic 8 off 22 balls against KKR.

Each of his runs has cost Rs 4.4 Lakhs. We don’t like it either but we have no choice but to feature M.S. Dhoni in this team. 

Pawan Negi:

Price: 850 Lakhs, Matches: 8, Runs: 57, Average: 28.5 Rupees/Run: 14.91 Lakhs,

Wickets: 1, Bowling Average: 84, Rupees/Wicket: 850 Lakhs

He has scored 57 runs and taken 1 wicket—all this after Delhi purchased him for 8.5 Crores. Each run has cost 14.91 Lakhs and each wicket has cost 850 Lakhs. Just for perspective, Chahal's wicket cost Rs. 50,000 apiece. At that rate, Negi would have required 1700 wickets. If we could have had 11 Pawan Negis in this team, we would have been only too happy. The Indian selectors don’t seem to agree though, as he has been dropped from the Indian Team.

If we could have had 11 Pawan Negis in this team, we would have been only too happy.

Hardik Pandya:

Price: 10 Lakhs, Matches: 11, Runs: 44, Average: 6.28, Rupees/Run: 0.23 Lakhs, 

Wickets: 3, Bowling Average: 51, Rupees/Wicket: 3.33 Lakhs

The result of all this is that, he has lost his place in the Indian team. The only consolation is that, he has strolled into this team. Staying true to his competitive spirit, Pandya has indeed given tough competition to Negi. The only reason Negi trumps Pandya is because of his astronomical price tag.

Bowlers:

Price: 800 Lakhs, Matches: 14, Wickets: 9, Bowling Average: 43.55, Rupees/Wicket: 88.89 Lakhs

We all know that Ashwin had a terrible season. At least, that’s what everyone seems to be saying so. Except Harbhajan has had an even worse season. Over the seasons, the turbanator has been Mumbai’s go-to man. This season though has been most disappointing. Having played all the 14 matches, he has managed to pick up only 9 wickets at a dismal average of 43.55. What’s more, he has conceded more than 8 runs an over. Numbers not worthy of a legendary spinner.

Dale Steyn:

Price: 230 Lakhs, Matches: 1, Wickets: 0, Bowling Average: Un-Defined, Rupees/Wicket: Infinity

His bowling average is 'Un-defined' and his Rupees/Wicket is 'Infinity'. So much for being the best fast bowler in the World. Gujurat Lions were unkind not to give him chances; we are kinder and he is welcome in our team.

Aaron is a dangerous bowler and is a true match-winner; he is dangerous for his team and wins matches for his opponents.

Matches: 8, Wickets: 2, Bowling Average: 113.5, Economy Rate: 9.59

We like Varun Aaron, we really do. In fact, we are willing to offer him a permanent place in our team, no questions asked. Aaron is a dangerous bowler and is a true match-winner; he is dangerous for his team and wins matches for his opponents. He has played 8 matches this season, picked up all of 2 wickets at an extraordinary average of 113.5 and an exemplary economy rate of 9.59.

Coach: Sanjay Bangar

Every team needs a coach and who better than the man who has successfully coached his team to two consecutive last place finishes in the IPL. Sanjay Bangar is the torch-bearer for Indian coaches. He will truly be a great value addition to any team. The BCCI is also of the same opinion and it has made him the coach of the Indian Team. He also has had a great working relationship with his boss and team owner, Preity Zinta.

How do you have an IPL team without an owner? After all, that’s where the money comes from. Preity Zinta makes the perfect owner. She is bubbly, she is energetic and well, she is Preity after all. Her record as an owner is impressive too; in ten seasons, Kings XI Punjab has made it past the group stages only twice and has ended up with the wooden spoon no less than three times. And to add to all of that, she is extremely involved and visits the dug-out regularly to give out constructive feedback on the batting order. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And it's now time for you to decide the 'Greatest IPL Player of All-Time'. Cast your vote for your favourite player in the Sportscafe #IPLGOAT poll. And once you are done voting, get your friends as well to vote by sharing the poll with them. For more details on the GOAT poll and to check out the other match-ups and 21 players, check here!