Why on earth have I been entrusted with the job of explaining why Rajasthan Royals suck? You dumbass RR fans, don’t you know it already that your team name itself is cringier than the overrated Rajasthani thali in North Indian Restaurants.
These RR fanbois, who were clinging onto the days of Rahul Dravid to save them from stupid "serving-Indian-cricket-future" kind of auctions and then made runs slower than China’s COVID case count, and were clinging on to Ajinkya Rahane as their captain, want to do HallaBol.
Your team: Rajasthan Suckers
Your 2019 record
If there is only one thing that sucked more than your team in the 2019 IPL is the documentary your team management released. You should have some shame now that even RCB, who ended up at the bottom of the table under you, didn’t have the courage to do anything more than the “Bold Diaries” they do. At least they have Danish Sait to spearhead the cringy show but you guys had Varun Aaron and Jaydev Unadkat express that you were worthless.
Before I go further, just showing you the mirror. You lost the first five of your six matches and then changed the captain as if Ajinkya Rahane was the only problem. To save you from embarrassment, Steve Smith, one of the worst tacticians in the 21st century, somehow managed to pocket three wins towards the end and helped the side finish with the same number of wins as RCB.
You darn idiots spent almost 10 crore once again to buy back Jaydev Unadkat only to let MS Dhoni literally tear him apart in one of those encounters. If MS Dhoni hit you for those many sixes in 2019, you should somehow introspect your existence on the world, but hey, who the eff cares? Jaydev Unadkat is back in the squad once again and is going to be the captain in the absence of Smith, ladies and gentleman.
I am not sure how much the England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) paid Rajasthan Royals to give some sort of employment to their players, but this is getting ridiculous. I have seen the RR fanboys and girls going gaga over the fact that Jos Buttler and Jofra Archer can save their arse this year, but you know, eff you. Nothing of that sort is gonna happen.
This Jofra Archer boy is a ridiculous proposition, let me tell you. He is just here for that fat cheque with which he can but another set of gold chain to flaunt around Barbados but you know, with an average of 23.69 and an economy rate of 7.53, he knows what he adds to the team. When a bowler says this is not a wicket to bend your back on while playing international wicket, I am 100 percent sure he wouldn’t do that on the dust bowls (Because that is what UAE wickets are, no) while playing for a team whose name he can’t spell properly.
Yesterday, I heard Jofra Archer was whining about staying in a bubble. After spending over 100 days inside the bio-bubble they call home now, Archer is terrified at the prospect of being inside the bubble for another couple of months. But let me tell you Jofra, this bubble is not a problem - you can always break that to fly down to Brighton, you know - but the delusional bubble with which Rajasthan historically operates is a problem. If it was me, I would have trusted Steve Smith to land me a wicket at the time of emergency and not this cry-baby.
What’s new that sucks
I am not surprised Shane Warne is the brand ambassador of the Royals and they bought someone like Robin Uthappa for three crore from Kolkata Knight Riders. Because hey, Robin Uthappa’s best forte in cricket is not batting, not his keeping, not his fielding but actually the expert analysis he provides on online platforms. That is the only thing he can do now without a fuss but somehow Andrew McDonald thought he can fit the bill as a keeper. No surprise why RR is yet to do anything spectacular after that amateur first season.
Because think of it. Robin Uthappa, once upon a time, was a T20 team’s dream. He could hit a long ball and do it for long, but do you want to bet on him anymore? Last season, he was a total disappointment, with Chris Lynn even batting better than him on most occasions. Now that he is in a middle-order that might not have Ben Stokes at all, expect some d-bag performances alongside David Miller and Riyan Parag. Sucking up to Steve Smith, Parag might think of himself as Royals’ very own Marnus Labuschagne but you know, combine him with Uthappa there, you will have your very own Dravid-Pujara combo in the middle-order, quite literally.
What has always sucked
Your brand ambassador. Let him go, for god sake. You surely don't want a man, who throughout his life preached wrongdoings apart from a few masterpieces of deliveries - okay, more than a few - to teach us about the spirit of cricket. The fact is Warne sucks and that is the word. However, you managed to snap him up every year in some role, With him, let alone winning the trophy, you will always have a few mediocre players being hyped up and then not doing anything at all. Till he is there, just forget about the 2008 Championship run, you won’t touch the silverware again.
What might not suck
Kartik Tyagi. What a bowler he was in the U-19 World Cup for India. With him, you always sense a dynamic approach with Kartik, which is extremely rare among other players of the same age group. I sincerely hope he does well and dethrones Unadkat from his position of being the bowling spearhead.