Kolkata Knight Riders might not have won a title in six years but there’s one reason why they will win the IPL this year. Alright KKR fans, now that I have your attention, listen up: YOUR TEAM SUCKS. Boasting to be a KKR fan is as embarrassing as unironically displaying a MAGA hat in public.
What’s the similarity between Covid-deniers, Anti-vaxxers and Kolkata Knight Riders fans? Answer: none of them have an ounce of shame. And oh, somehow, magically, all of them have punchable faces. Coincidence? erm, maybe not. Hear me out, KKR fans. Every insult you’re going to hear is gonna come from a KXIP fan, which really means that you don’t have to waste time preparing comebacks.
Your team: Kolkata Knight Riders
Your 2019 record
6 wins and 8 losses; you lot finished 5th on the table, edged out by Sunrisers Hyderabad on Net Run Rate. Now on paper, teams that finish 5th and miss out on qualification only due to NRR are generally considered ‘unlucky’, but f*** me, it’s a travesty of justice that five or ten years down the line, the KKR team of 2019 will be associated with the term ‘unlucky’. If it wasn’t for that one flukey night at the Chinnaswamy against Bengaluru when your main man looked like he needed to be tested for doping (in the case of which I’m pretty sure he would have tested positive) you guys would have finished 8th, which is what your team deserved. But well, unfortunately, there’s no justice in sport.
But seriously, how the eff-word did you guys end up with just 6 wins in 14 after winning 4 of your first 5? LMAO. You pull off a choke like this and have the audacity to call yourselves ‘dark-horses’ for this season? Have some shame. I mean, I still cannot get over the fact how unmethodical, unstructured and disorganized your team was, last season. You had no idea who your openers were, your batting order was more random than the 12 random integers I generated here, your bowling absolutely SUCKED and your only gameplan was to send in Russell and ask him to swing like a madman. And heck you didn’t even do THAT properly given the kind of scrutiny there was around his batting position.
Oh, I just have a question, by the way: who the fudge thought it was a good decision to combinedly spend a sum of 6 crores on Joe Denly and Carlos Brathwaite? LOL. Kallis? No wonder he got sacked, TBH. I could have pulled out a corpse from the graveyard a couple of kilometers from my house, asked it to manage KKR last season and in all fairness, it would have probably done a better job than what the poor man’s Stoinis managed last year.
KKR fans have some cheek taking shots at Kohli and de Villiers for being ‘losers’ when their MVP has delivered them a grand total of ZERO IPL TITLES since he became their darling. Oh, you’re gonna talk pure numbers and mention the 2012 and 2014 ‘title-winning’ seasons where he combinedly played 6 games and scored 32 runs? Love it when KKR fans bring up ‘trophies’ when it comes to Russell, but downplay the importance of silverware when it comes to Ganguly. Haha. Anyway, where was your Russell in the final - do or die - group game last season at Wankhede, eh? Where was your Russell in the qualifier against SRH in 2018? My bad, forgot we’re supposed to ignore all his failures in big games and only gloat about his minnow-bashing. Honestly, I’m sick and tired of all KKR fans going “Dress Russ this, Dress Russ that” season after season after season. Okay, fine, but what’s the use? HE HASN’T DELIVERED KKR A SINGLE TROPHY, YOU IDIOTS! Joke’s on you if you think teams give a rat’s arse about getting obliterated in a nothing group game at the hands of Russell.
Is it mere coincidence that KKR has gone on a downward spiral ever since Russell started to dominate? Nahhhh. He has become bigger than the club. Your team has become his slave. So at mercy of Dre Russ, you guys are that you allow him to bully you even when he’s UNFIT. Good luck putting up with his ego this season; Jamaica sure paid the price for putting their trust on him. Can’t wait for him to aimlessly swing his bat and deliver a couple of wins with a broken body in meaningless matches only to pull off a no-show when it ‘really’ matters.
What’s new that sucks
All your signings barring Morgan. What kind of a doofus management thinks it’s okay to pay 15.50 crore for Pat Cummins? In T20 cricket in the sub-continent? LMFAO. You guys just seriously went and paid FIFTEEN AND A HALF CRORE for a dude who has an economy rate of 8.29 in IPL history and does not know how to bowl at the death. I’m no Cummins hater, but f*** me, I wouldn’t even pay that much for a hybrid of Bumrah and Malinga. Also, Tom Banton LOL. What chance does a dud who averaged 12.33 in a farmer’s league like the PSL, and reads (spin) as well as an 80-year-old that underwent a botched cataract operation, stand against the likes of Rashid Khan and Yuzi Chahal in the IPL?
I can at least fathom these decisions to a certain extent, given they are international players, but HOLY COW WHAT WERE YOU SMOKING WHEN YOU DECIDED TO SHELL OUT 4 CRORE FOR VARUN CHAKRAVARTHY? The poor guy’s last professional game came against your own side last year and he somehow managed to concede 35 runs in 3 overs against your own batsmen. Come on, 4 crores for that? Some big-brain recruitment from the management right there.
Why am I not surprised, though? After all, it was only prior to the auction that you guys roped in David Hussey, a ‘coach’ who thought it was a good idea to sign Dilbar Hussain as a replacement for Haris Rauf. It’s going to be wonderful seeing your new head coach Baz McCullum get exposed, too. Man’s made everyone think he’s good at his job by winning the CPL by inheriting a world-class TKR team in a competition full of oafs, wait till he gets handed this side full of clowns.
What has always sucked
Your toxic fanbase. Again, I’m not surprised. 90% of your fanbase is a combination of two of the most toxic fanbases in the entire world - the SRK fanbase and the Ganguly fanbase - thus it OBVIOUSLY isn’t a shock that most of your fans are deluded, half-witted, filthy, nonsensical, egoistic maniacs. I love how you guys keep boasting about “tWo iPL trOpHiEs”. Excuse me, you’ve been trophyless for over half a decade now and the only reason why you won an IPL (okay, two) in the first place was because some incompetent men in the ICC failed to recognize the fact that your best bowler, Sunil Narine, was a blatant chucker. Do you seriously think you can fool everyone by trying to pretend that there was any other reason for KKR winning two titles other than the fact that your supposed ‘x-factor’ castled batsmen by delivering throwdowns? Get out of here!
I also love how perennially useless Indian cricketers have been in the KKR set-up. I mean, just look at your team from last year: Nitish Rana, Shubman Gill, Kuldeep Yadav, Robin Uthappa, Nikhil Naik, Piyush Chawla, and Yarra Prithvi Raj. You guys really had a guy named ‘Yarra’ Prithvi Raj in your squad, whose name in Tamil literally translates to “Who is Prithvi Raj”. That’s telling and poetic, you know. Firstly, no one knows who the f*** half these guys are, and secondly, the guys with ‘reputation’ were utter dogs*** last season. Couple this with an insecure captain who is clueless as to what his own role in the team is, and has antagonized his team’s best player, you have the perfect recipe for disaster.
Tell me one thing: how daft do you have to be to let the only half-decent Indian player in your club’s history - Robin Uthappa - go without signing an able replacement? Do you guys unironically expect people to take a club whose second and third most ‘senior’ Indian players are Nitish Rana and Kuldeep Yadav seriously? Ahahahaahah.
What might not suck
Eoin Morgan. The only ice-cold gun who is single-handedly forcing people like me to take your side seriously.