What’s the similarity between Covid-deniers, Anti-vaxxers and Kolkata Knight Riders fans? Answer: none of them have an ounce of shame. And oh, somehow, magically, all of them have punchable faces. Coincidence? erm, maybe not. Hear me out, KKR fans. Every insult you’re going to hear is gonna come from a KXIP fan, which really means that you don’t have to waste time preparing comebacks. 

6 wins and 8 losses; you lot finished 5th on the table, edged out by Sunrisers Hyderabad on Net Run Rate. Now on paper, teams that finish 5th and miss out on qualification only due to NRR are generally considered ‘unlucky’, but f*** me, it’s a travesty of justice that five or ten years down the line, the KKR team of 2019 will be associated with the term ‘unlucky’.  If it wasn’t for that one flukey night at the Chinnaswamy against Bengaluru when your main man looked like he needed to be tested for doping (in the case of which I’m pretty sure he would have tested positive) you guys would have finished 8th, which is what your team deserved. But well, unfortunately, there’s no justice in sport.

Oh, I just have a question, by the way: who the fudge thought it was a good decision to combinedly spend a sum of 6 crores on Joe Denly and Carlos Brathwaite? LOL. Kallis? No wonder he got sacked, TBH. I could have pulled out a corpse from the graveyard a couple of kilometers from my house, asked it to manage KKR last season and in all fairness, it would have probably done a better job than what the poor man’s Stoinis managed last year. 

Your MVP

Is it mere coincidence that KKR has gone on a downward spiral ever since Russell started to dominate? Nahhhh. He has become bigger than the club. Your team has become his slave. So at mercy of Dre Russ, you guys are that you allow him to bully you even when he’s UNFIT. Good luck putting up with his ego this season; Jamaica sure paid the price for putting their trust on him. Can’t wait for him to aimlessly swing his bat and deliver a couple of wins with a broken body in meaningless matches only to pull off a no-show when it ‘really’ matters. 

What’s new that sucks

I can at least fathom these decisions to a certain extent, given they are international players, but HOLY COW WHAT WERE YOU SMOKING WHEN YOU DECIDED TO SHELL OUT 4 CRORE FOR VARUN CHAKRAVARTHY? The poor guy’s last professional game came against your own side last year and he somehow managed to concede 35 runs in 3 overs against your own batsmen. Come on, 4 crores for that? Some big-brain recruitment from the management right there. 

Why am I not surprised, though? After all, it was only prior to the auction that you guys roped in David Hussey, a ‘coach’ who thought it was a good idea to sign Dilbar Hussain as a replacement for Haris Rauf. It’s going to be wonderful seeing your new head coach Baz McCullum get exposed, too. Man’s made everyone think he’s good at his job by winning the CPL by inheriting a world-class TKR team in a competition full of oafs, wait till he gets handed this side full of clowns. 

Your toxic fanbase. Again, I’m not surprised. 90% of your fanbase is a combination of two of the most toxic fanbases in the entire world - the SRK fanbase and the Ganguly fanbase - thus it OBVIOUSLY isn’t a shock that most of your fans are deluded, half-witted, filthy, nonsensical, egoistic maniacs. I love how you guys keep boasting about “tWo iPL trOpHiEs”. Excuse me, you’ve been trophyless for over half a decade now and the only reason why you won an IPL (okay, two)  in the first place was because some incompetent men in the ICC failed to recognize the fact that your best bowler, Sunil Narine, was a blatant chucker. Do you seriously think you can fool everyone by trying to pretend that there was any other reason for KKR winning two titles other than the fact that your supposed ‘x-factor’ castled batsmen by delivering throwdowns? Get out of here!

I also love how perennially useless Indian cricketers have been in the KKR set-up. I mean, just look at your team from last year: Nitish Rana, Shubman Gill, Kuldeep Yadav, Robin Uthappa, Nikhil Naik, Piyush Chawla, and Yarra Prithvi Raj. You guys really had a guy named ‘Yarra’ Prithvi Raj in your squad, whose name in Tamil literally translates to “Who is Prithvi Raj”. That’s telling and poetic, you know. Firstly, no one knows who the f*** half these guys are, and secondly, the guys with ‘reputation’ were utter dogs*** last season. Couple this with an insecure captain who is clueless as to what his own role in the team is, and has antagonized his team’s best player, you have the perfect recipe for disaster. 

What might not suck

Eoin Morgan. The only ice-cold gun who is single-handedly forcing people like me to take your side seriously.