Satire | Behind the scenes of the 2018 Cape Town ball-tampering scandal 

What’s common between Nepotism and Sandpaper Gate? Their virality and people’s fondness to translate all their life’s frustrations into opinions on these. Having a bad day at the office? Losing money on stocks? Getting generalized by society? Just got ditched by your date? Take it out on Sandpaper gate and nepotism as it has left behind even godmen in providing the ultimate fulfillment of life. Yes, the nirvana we were all after. The recurrence of the ball-tampering scandal is Australian cricket’s way to make our lovely sport great again and provide a fair share of spotlight to it in times when people have lost interest in the game faster than the money that BCCI is losing everyday ever since the 2021 edition of the IPL got busted. 

Mitchell Marsh: Forget players (Quinton de Kock, Joe Root), you even get baited by the spectators into a brawl.

David Warner: I have got an idea that will make sure we overcome these overbearing Proteas players and fans. If you guys don't know yet, though Steve does, I have always been a woodwork enthusiast. While other kids would carry candies, I relished having sandpaper. Sandpaper, cricket ball (with wide a grin), you know what I mean?

Cameron Bancroft (the overexcited kid): Yo partner, gotcha! Let me have the honors. 

Cameron Bancroft: Patty, let me take the lid off something. I am a Sherlock Holmes fan. I know how to lie with a straight face. Didn't you see how I kept staring back at Jimmy even after his throw hurt the hell out of me. Oops it still hurts, I even had a meltdown in the restroom. 

The bowling group (Starc, Cummins, Lyon, Hazlewood): Guys, like Gandhi’s three monkeys, we "See no evil, Hear no evil, Speak no evil” pretty much like the Ashes or all the times we have won-at-all-costs. We’re part of this but still we aren’t part of it. We field in the deep and are busy with the crowd. And just get a second to see which side of the ball is worn out. That too at our run-up. Poor, ignorant us. So, we never knew anything.

Australia’s epic moment of glory

However, things go exactly opposite to what was planned as in the afternoon session, rookie Cameron Bancroft fails to commit the crime but makes sure to get caught for it. Double whammy, eh? Even his and Steven Smith's cover-up attempts get exposed in the presser. "101 REASONS WHY ONE SHOULDN'T LIE" to be out soon, authored by failed liars Bancroft and Smith.

The whole incident also proves that Steven Smith should never try any other stunts than batting in the middle, nets, parks, hotel rooms, restrooms, roads, restaurants, team bus, flights and another hundreds of places where he starts shadow batting. As he asked Bancroft to conceal the sandpaper in his trousers as well as he hid the fact that he was taking help from the dressing from for DRS reviews in India. EPIC FAILS. Never again Smudge. Also, honorary mentions for Darren Lehmann and Peter Handscomb, who with their walkie-talkie act proved why they should get Oscars for playing the best side-kicks in failing a secret mission. No other pair could have made it more obvious. Slow Claps!

CA’s Investigation - Case study for cover-up, deceit, and scapegoating

All hell broke loose post the ball-tampering incident. It was as if the Aussie trio hadn't tampered with the ball, but waged a war against the whole South African nation on behalf of the Commonwealth of Australia. And soon, the nukes and the military would be brought to the picture. Yes, my word, even the Aussie PM got involved. Everyone loves theatrics. Given the mob was knocking the doors of the CA, something had to be done to quench their thirst. 

They will just punish the trio, as that will help them retain cricket as a cash cow and rebuild their image, than punishing all involved or getting to the bottom of the story or finding similar incidents from before, or a pattern if there was even an iota of intention of a genuine clean-up. But why go that way when the trio can be made one of the biggest scapegoats in decades and diverge the attention. Classic, check mate. Though that’s different, there have been times when Mark Waugh and Shane Warne got shielded from serious punishments despite their involvement with an Indian bookmaker in the 90s, but ball-tampering is far graver for CA. The majesty’s highness is unparalleled.

Also, CA decided to gift the world New Zealand 2.0 as they appointed a good family man, and the prettiest tough boy Tim Paine to captain the side. Moreover, he will be joined by Justin Langer, a master in crisis management. After all, the man got himself cleared for misconduct after a bizarre bail-lifting incident in 2004 (video can be found on Youtube) against Sri Lanka for which the Aussies had even appealed for hit-wicket. But, he left the match referee in so much awe that the official started questioning the legitimacy of Muttiah Muralitharan’s action even without the umpires reporting him when Langer was originally the man under fire. Talk about flipping narratives. 

But credit where it's due. CA's masterstroke and handling of this controversy will be remembered for ages as it will remain a classic case study across the globe on how to fix your image, tarnish few for the greater good of many, and keep acting holier-than-thou whenever the Sandpaper Gate recurs. Also, there's always a room for another PR docu-drama, which can fix everything. This time, maybe, with Netflix?